I need help. Please.

What I forgot to say is that I'm incredibly sensitive. When I was younger and told my parents about something I was excited about and they weren't as excited as I was I felt terrible. I'm insanely sensitive to criticism. I draw a lot and when someone tells me constructive criticism about my work, I usually just tear it all apart.

I also tend to be very disociative when I struggle. I push away all my friends except the ''special'' ones that I can't leave because they're unique and I'll never find anyone like them. I have a really strong bound to them. I just become very anxious about talking to people that aren't my ''favourite''

Hi, Anpawww. It sounds like youve been in a lot of pain. Im sorry youve had to suffer so much. Unfortunately, no one here is going to be able to diagnosis you. Not to mention, bipolar and BPD are difficult to diagnose even for trained professionals -- lots of overlapping symptoms with each other and other disorders. There is always the possibility you even have both or neither. Im afraid these disorders in particular are ones you really cant accurately diagnose in yourself (although it is great that you are doing research on them). Of course, that doesnt mean your psychiatrist is necessarily right. It never hurts to get a second opinion. Whatever the issue is, you certainly need to get some serious help to get your symptoms under control. You are obviously hurting. Im really glad youre reaching out and trying to get help for yourself. Tragically, many people in your situation (including people much older than you) are not as brave as you are and hesitate to get any help. They suffer needlessly because of it.

I can tell you are frustrated and really eager to get the proper diagnosis, and I dont blame you. It is absolutely critical in regard to your treatment options. Its good you have a professional that you can discuss this with, even if you dont completely trust her judgment. Did you ask her specifically why she doesnt think you are bipolar? As I mentioned, it may give you some peace of mind to get a second opinion from another therapist (preferably a clinical psychologist) if you can.

I wish I could help you more by giving you more concrete information/advice. The best I can do is tell you some of the things that a therapist may consider when diagnosing you: your age, your family history (for example, do you have a parent that is bipolar?), your own personal history (trauma from your past, relationship issues), what types of events trigger your mood shifts, the timeframe of your mood shifts (are the mood issues more long-term or do they tend to come and go more quickly). Its very important that you give your therapist as much information as you can about this stuff, so they can give you an accurate diagnosis. Be completely honest when answering their questions.

Well, I hope this was at all useful to you. You are strong to have gotten through all the experiences you described. Once you find the right diagnosis and treatment method youll be well on the road to healing. I have confidence in you. I hope youll keep us informed and updated. Take care.

@anpawww. It does sound like borderline personality disorder to me. Fear of abandonment is a big indication.

Anna,

First things first: you are absolutely not a bad person. Although your actions may have resulted in someones feelings being hurt, it does not seem like you had much control over your behavior. You certainly didn't do it with the intention of hurting anyones feelings. I think you were feeling desperate and afraid, which can throw someone into a kind of survival/panic mode. In other words, your fear of abandonment was triggered and you were no longer thinking rationally for a while. Like you said, you grew up thinking your behavior was normal, so how could you possibly be to blame for it? Dont be too hard on yourself. You were coping the only way you knew how.

I cant say I really know that much about BPD, but I have personally struggled with codependency issues. Codependent people and BPD people are different but they do have a lot in common (in fact they tend to date each other.) I can relate to a lot of the behaviors/feelings you talked about: the intense fear of abandonment, the sensitivity to criticism, the unstable relationships, the unhealthy dependency on/idolizing of that one "special" person, and the cycles of lashing out and clinginess. I cringe when I think of some of the ridiculous, irrational ways I behaved at certain low points in previous relationships. It feels like an entirely different person was acting in those moments. I know now that it doesnt make me crazy; it just means that specific situations can cause my brain to get temporarily hijacked by emotion. In my case, I had learned dysfunctional inter-personal boundaries from my mother, and therefore I never learned how to have healthy relationships. I also grew up thinking that my behavior was normal. I only started to figure out how unhealthy it was after I moved out of the house and had years of therapy, and indeed, it was shocking to learn just how far from normal my behavior was! When I first realized this, it was both terrifying and exhilarating. Yeah, it sucked to know that I had learned some bad relationship skills, but at least it explained why I had been so miserable in relationships all these years. I could finally do something about it! Its not easy and I still struggle with it quite a bit, but I have gotten a lot better through therapy and a lot of practicing of healthier behaviors. Im so happy for you that you feel comfortable with your BPD diagnosis, because knowing what the actual issue is is truly half the battle.

Im not really sure about specific treatments for BPD, but I think you might be helped by Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. CBT is a great guide to healthy behaviors/thought patterns. I cant praise it enough, really. It will give you more awareness of how your thoughts/reactions are flawed, and can train you to practice healthier thoughts/behaviors. A huge help for me has been identifying what sorts of things trigger that intense panic mode, so that I can avoid those situations/people in the future (establish boundaries), or at least recognize when I am probably not reacting rationally and need to stop and take a breath. The earlier you recognize that you are slipping out of control emotionally, the faster you can do something to change it. Also, your doctor may suggest putting you on medication, but I have no idea if that would be appropriate for you.

Good luck and let me know if you have more questions.

- Gcat3000

@anpawww

From what I understand, psychiatrists are not going to provide you with much in the way of psychotherapy. They give you an evaluation based on talking to you a few times, diagnose you, and dispense medication if necessary. I see mine for meds once every 3 months. A psychologist (or another type of counselor) is more equipped to talk to you on a regular basis and help you with the specific issues you have in your daily life. That's why I really encourage you to find someone who is well-trained and experienced in providing talk therapy and can see you once a week or every couple of weeks. Maybe your psychiatrist could recommend someone. If this isn't a possibility for you, then I suggest filling your psychiatrist in on the problems you've had in the past. I'm not sure why you think she wouldn't trust you if you are telling her the truth, or why she would even care. Yes, your age can complicate things when it comes to treating/identifying mental disorders, but the fact is you need help. The behavior/feelings you described are clearly not healthy and need to be treated. If she is not taking your problems seriously and dismissing your concerns then it is time for you to switch shrinks.

I'm a little confused as to what you mean when you say you don't know what disorder you have now. In your previous post, you sounded like you were comfortable with the BPD diagnosis. Is that something that you are doubting again?

Perhaps it would be easier for me to help you in chat. Feel free to send me a message and I will get back to you as soon as I can. I don't seem to be able to send you a message, but I haven't really figured this site out yet. Hope to hear from you. :)

@anpawww

Hi Anna!

I think youre really brave for seeking support for what youre struggling with, reaching out is one of the first steps to tackling these big issues that youre dealing with. Another big piece of getting better (I use this term loosely, because I dont see BPD as meaning something is wrong its just something in life you have to learn to cope with) is getting the proper diagnosis. As has already been mentioned, no one on this site can give you a diagnosis, but we are here to support you. Doctors dont like to diagnose BPD, especially if youre under 18, because its so stigmatizing, and a lot of teenagers act/feel similarly, and their actions/feelings regulate themselves over time as they mature. I first learned about BPD when I was about 16 and when I learned about it I was like OMG thats totally me. I told my psychology teacher at the time and he said it probably wasnt BPD and it was just me being a teenager. I sort of accepted his answer, and it wasnt until I was 22 that I got a proper diagnosis, and I wish that I would have been taken seriously when I was younger so that I wouldn't have messed up so many things in my life.

Im not going to do what that teacher did to me. I think recognizing the signs and symptoms early shows that you have great insight. Having this insight can help you recognize and start working on your behaviors, though that is extremely hard to do without the right therapist or counselor. CBT is good and can be helpful, but if you have access to DBT thats what I would recommend you checking out. BPD was first developed to treat BPD, but over the years it has been found useful to treating other disorders as well. DBT is basically just a specific type of CBT that works on your thinking, but also provides you with alternative skills to use to help you get through the difficult times. Its not easy and it doesnt sink in or show results immediately, but if you really dedicate yourself you will notice a huge difference.

I hope youve been able to find 7cups helpful and supportive. It can be hard to find listeners who understand BPD or BPD symptoms. If you ever need to chat you can feel free to message me, Im on most days and will get back to you as soon as I am available. You seem like a great young lady just trying to figure out how to live life as normally as possible.

Take care <3
Stitch