I don't know.

*Edited by Forum Mentor for content. Trigger Warning.*

I am not diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I'm seeing a psychiatrist in search of a diagnosis but my next appointment isn't until September. It's been my suspicion for a while that I may have BPD. Mum brought it up first, she read an account of BPD and said it described me exactly (and she doesn't know half the stuff about me that I do). I don't know though. I've studied psychology but I'm not qualified to make a diagnosis. Whether you're a mental health professional or have BPD yourself, maybe you'll be in a better position to tell me the likelihood of me having it based on my symptoms and advise me if and how I should bring it up with my psychiatrist. I'm 19, almost 20. I've struggled with suicidal feelings for as long as I can remember. I was 6 when I first tried to kill myself. I remember telling Mum that I wanted to die when I was 5 or 6 as well. I had bouts of depression from 6 - 12 where I'd attempt suicide. It was always an impulsive decision, no notes or anything just a hastily tied dressing gown cord or a period spent sitting on the windowsill urging myself to jump. I was 9 when I first considered self harm although I didn't actually cut myself until I was 12. I did hit myself in the face and bang my head off walls but I didn't count that as self harm, it was usually during a meltdown (what I called the depressive periods, I'd cry and attempt suicide and generally feel like I was losing it). I'm ashamed of how it came into my head as it was quite a manipulative thought. I was in trouble about something. I was always in trouble, my father was physically and emotionally abusive and used fear and blame to keep us in line. Suddenly, I thought "I'll steal a knife from the kitchen and cut my wrists. That will show them!" I don't know where it came from. When I did self harm, I'd like to stress that I didn't do it to manipulate anyone although I do have a habit of hissing "It's your fault!" when self harming. The person in question is whoever's upset me. I never show the person at fault, or anyone for that matter, but I feel strangely triumphant - like I've got revenge on them although, as they never find out, they never have to deal with the emotional repercussions of what they made me do. I have a lot of names. I'm currently Blue (I refuse to use my real name because I hate that I got it from my father and I hate the girl that name represents). I'm Violet on Facebook. I've been Callie, Cat, Pixie, Rainbow, Haruka and Autumn too. Each name represents a different part of my personality but Blue is kind of a collection of all of them because I live as Blue almost full time now. She's more confident than I am in real life though. Mum thinks I'm schizophrenic and that Blue is a different fictional person. I've tried explaining to her that I don't hallucinate, I'M Blue but I'm not sure she understood. I spend money like there's no tomorrow. I can't stop myself sometimes. I spent 70 in a bookstore the other week and I frequently buy stuff for people. Pizzas for my brother, boxes of chocolate for my mum. Stuff like that. I feel happier when I buy stuff. I'm not in any debt because my bank account only lets me spend what's there but I empty my account a lot. I've been getting SAAS payments from the government for going to college for the last year. I've nearly exhausted my last payment but I couldn't stop myself, I just feel better when I buy stuff. I feel neutral towards everyone except close friends and family members. I love them. Unless they wrong me and then I hate them. There is no in between. They're either the most important person in the world to me or the root cause of - or at least a major contributor to - my problems. I blame people a lot, it's who I am. They are usually to blame for something though. I can't hold down a relationship. My longest relationship was just under 9 months. I was 12/13, it was probably because we saw each other at school most days. He dumped me for being too clingy. My next relationship was nearly 3 months. I was dumped for being tpo clingy. My next relationship was less than 2 months. I was dumped for seeming uninterested because I was trying so hard not to be clingy because I wanted things to work. I was really upset each time I got dumped (hysterical crying upset). Especially with the last ex. I really loved her. Then I thought "Hey, I know why she dumped me!" and hated her. Then I loved her again and wanted her back. Now I'm eschewing relationships. I don't know what they're for but it's probably just sex and I don't need or want that. My emotions are unusually intense. I can't be sad without being suicidally depressed. I can't be angry without snarling, screaming and slicing my arms up. I can't find something amusing without laughing for 15 minutes about how funny it is. I can't be lonely without clinging onto someone, anyone who I don't currently hate to make the loneliness go away. I don't know if other people are like this. I tend not to discuss it because what if they're not and they think I'm crazy? What if I am crazy? I don't know. What do you think? There's more about me but I'm tired (exhausted actually) and I'm sure I've put you to sleep with my snoresville, self centered rambling. I'm sorry.