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How to tell loved ones you struggle with low/fluctuating empathy?
bluecoine November 21st, 2022
So, I do a lot of masking pretty much 24/7, even around family members who are supposed to be the closest people to you in life according to most people. I feel uncomfortable being a sort of therapist friend for some people, and my sister in particular trusts me a lot to confide in me about a lot of personal stuff which I try my best to be supportive and attentive to, but it's hard when due to trauma and being forced to be an emotional support object for my mother growing up, I immediately feel resent and frustration at being expected to listen to people's emotional troubles and accommodate to them. Even with the DBT I've had in therapy, I think my brain is just wired to feel this way? It's not that I hate my sister or anyone else in the long run when I have to do these things, but it's easy to have that black and white thinking in the moment, where I curse them in my head and call them weak or a waste of time. I know setting boundaries is the best solution to this but I'm so used to being that calm person who can listen to and care about you to most people that I'm afraid of seeming "selfish" or manipulative by saying it tires me out and I'm not always equipped for it. What exactly should I say? Whenever I have to bring something up I always have to know the words and follow a script so I feel confident in getting my point across, so simple examples of how to go about it would help. Thanks for even reading this :']
1
SilverSeastar November 28th, 2022

@bluecoine

Hello,

I understand it's heavy when you have the expectations to be the supportive therapist friend. And I agree with you, it is important to instill boundaries with those who are close to you, but it's even more difficult especially when they need support. 🙁

I can relate with you, actually. I talked about something similar with my psychiatrist. I mentioned how when I was emotionally charged or exhausted, I got really mean thoughts about people whom I care about. They were nice to me, yet I would easily get irritated by the littlest thing they did. My doctor said it was good that I was aware of it. It was good that I compensated by trying to balance out those intrusive thoughts. She said it was okay, and that it would get better with my process.

I also find writing scripts helps me feel better prepared.
Some things I would say in this situation:

  • “I understand that you need support, and thank you for your trust in me. As much as I would like to help you, though, I don't have the time/energy/capacity to listen right now.”

If you feel it is appropriate, you can let them know about your reasons, too. It might help them understand better:

  • “I am also struggling with .... It's nothing personal, I just need some space to figure this out for now.”

and then if you're up for it, you can let them know:

  • "When I'm ready, I'm more than willing to listen to you again. I wish you the best and I hope you can find other ways to cope in the mean time."

When we are not in the best shape mentally/emotionally, we don't think like ourselves. We may not have the energy to support others as best as we would like to, and that's okay; we deserve some space of our own, just as much as anyone else.

Please remember that your well-being is no less important than theirs. Your energy is valuable, and it's worth protecting. 💙 I hope this can help.

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