How to help a friend?
I am really miserable right now because I have a friend who says they were diagnosed with BPD and yeah, they're probably right, but it's just really hard being their friend. Everything I say just seems wrong - maybe I should just shut up. The thing is I really care about them and I worry about them but I also worry I'm just annoying them. So I don't know whether anyone on the receiving end of this sort of thing has any advice. I've been told some things that I need to try to remember, but it's still not easy. I know I can't fix anything. I know I can't make them a complete person. I don't think I'm doing this for my own self-validation. I really care about them but everything is just hard. So yeah. Sigh.
Maybe if I made like a set of instructions or a checklist people could give feedback on whether it might be on track and then it could get refined and fixed up and made better until it might actually be useful. idk. Or maybe something like that is already out there somewhere.
@twm That is a very good ideea to have😊. I admire you for your selfless devotion to your friend which is extremely rare since most people walk away from an impossible situation. One thing to keep in mind is that what you say it is not at all a fault of yours or smth wrong, it is their reaction at the moment using what you sat, it has nothing to do with you. I am bi-polar but some of my friends told me I might have BPD. I hurt my friends without any intention and my bad moods made them feel like they said s.th wrong when in fact, it had nothing to do with them at all...
I admire you and think you are very brave and a noble soul to be so devoted to your friend when others would easily walk away (believe me, I know...)
I started to make a list but then I realized that this isn't the first time this question has been asked. It's pretty easy to just google stuff but here's a partial list of some of the things out there:
https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-help-a-friend-with-bpd-425221
https://themighty.com/2017/10/borderline-personality-disorder-friendship-tips/
https://everydayfeminism.com/2016/09/support-friend-with-borderline/
https://www.bpdcentral.com/borderline-disorder/bpd-relationships/
But I also wrote down a list - it might be interesting to add items and maybe upvote/downvote somehow to figure out what the most important ones are if there's a way to do that. I also don't claim to know what I'm doing and I'm probably going to get a bunch of stuff wrong, but it will be helpful to get that pointed out.
In no particular order, probably some are more relevant than others…
1. Maybe ask yourself why you want to be their friend.Its probably okay if you arent sure but consider some of the following:
* If you want to be their friend because you think they can be easily manipulated, then you are a piece of shit
* If you want to be their friend so that you can save someone, then maybe you should ask why you feel the need to do that first.Maybe its a way to feel a sense of self-worth or something, but just make sure youre not using them for your own personal fulfillment.
* They are not a puzzle to be figured out for your own entertainment.Maybe there are some aspects of them that you will never understand and you should probably be okay with just accepting that.
* Yeah – probably others
2. Make sure you can tell the difference between they are just casually chatting and when they are really asking for support
3. When providing support, try to determine if they are just venting and need someone to listen, or if they want help figuring stuff out.If they arent looking for help and thats all youre giving them, then its going to be pretty frustrating.
4. Sometimes you might understand how they feel, but sometimes you probably dont.I dont think its constructive to try to prove that you understand them because thats pretty pointless and counterproductive.
5. Although sharing your own experiences with them to show that they arent alone might seem like a good idea, it also kind of invalidates their attempt to express how they feel by making it about you, not them.
6. Just like with any mental, physical, or emotional disorder, dont blame whatever issues come up as just being a consequence of it. It totally invalidates how they feel and theyre not wrong to feel that way.
But I also wish making this list was easier - it just seems sooo inadequate and I still feel miserable. I could have done better.
@twm
This is how buildings are build in small steps with bricks or stones or other materials. Very good step in googling but a very good foubdation in what you have to offer in your own thinking...very good work that I admire alot...
@twm There's more... and this is something that I think is probably really important but its also something that is really, really hard to write down.
7. I think it is necessary, if not essential, to establish boundaries. And not just to think about them or talk about them, but to actually write them down because I really regret to have to admit that they can be really hard to navigate on the fly. I dont think that this should necessarily be a controversial process but it would obviously have to be discussed at an appropriate time. I guess they would practically look like a contract which seems like a weird way to run a friendship but Im beginning to learn that this might not be a normal friendship and Im kind of in uncharted territory.
So maybe they would look something like this: We should agree to not (encourage/promote/normalize/talk about/... take your pick) whatever, because if we are really honest with ourselves, we have to recognize that it has the potential to normalize behavior that will ultimately, if not immediately, be harmful to one or both of us in some or all of the following ways… And then it seems like there needs to be a statement in this stupid contract thing that talks about what to do if either person crosses boundaries… If we do cross these boundaries, its not something to get angry or upset about per se, but it is important for either of us to kindly remind the other person that the boundaries are there and that we had previously established them for good reasons. And I know that it can actually be sad not to be able cross the boundaries but thats why its important to write them down and work hard to respect them. Because if you really do care about the person then this is important.
Maybe you can tell that Im still miserable.
Well, um, cringe, I think I might have been the one who misinterpreted stuff here. Maybe these are good rules and maybe I did have the best of intentions, but I think it's not quite that simple, so I'm probably just going to drop it. I'm glad nobody got hurt. I wish my brain worked better, but whatever.
