How Do You Not Push People Away that Obviously Care/Gain Emotional Permanence?

@TheBPDBaddie

Hi friend. I can hear the pain and frustration in what you've posted here. It sounds like you really care for your partner a lot, and are concerned about how your emotional health affects your relationship. I can hear how much you're struggling with the times when he is not in your presence and how that affects your emotional health.

Choosing Therapy defines a favorite person as, "the most important person in their life." On the topic of how the favorite person relationship influences someone with BPD, they say, "Because the individual with BPD relies so heavily on their favorite person for love and attention, any slight transgression can result in anger, fear, or a sense of instability."

Now, I am not disagreeing with your assessment of your relationship with your boyfriend. It's very much a big thing that you're able to recognize that you're struggling with emotional permanence, and I commend you for that. That's a big step towards identifying what next step(s) you can take.

You've mentioned that you're trying to make friends outside of the relationship and struggling with that. What sort of methods have you tried with making friends, such as online support groups, in person types of gatherings, etc.? How do you think you would feel if you had other people available in your support network, compared to how you're feeling currently?

@WingedSoul Hi there! Yes it's definitely extremely hard, fighting with my mind day in and day out. You're absolutely right about the favorite person though, I used to have one that I feel like I would absolutely d!e without, and I'm so glad that I've at least healed enough to not let it get to that point again. I appreciate you noticing the little steps I've been taking! As for trying to make friends, I have tried apps like BumbleBFF, support groups, activity groups for people around my age, just having casual conversation when I run into someone kind, etc. It just never goes further than small talk for me. I feel like if I had other people in my support system, I'd feel a lot better. Before I moved to a new state, I didn't feel so horrible because I actually had a decent support system, but for the past 3 years, I've been horribly struggling to create a new one! Thanks so much for your reply. 💕

@TheBPDBaddie

Hello there. Thank you for sharing. I can relate with you a lot. The intense emotions from BPD does make relationships much more difficult. Despite the challenges, though, it's awesome that you and your partner deeply care for each other. I really admire your awareness and how much effort you put into solving these issues through gaining emotional permanence.

I've read Catherine Humenuk's post about BPD and object constancy on her social media (@catherinelcsw). I also find her page in general really helpful. The specific post, Living with BPD: Object Constancy, can be found here. To quote some of her solutions in that post,

• Breathe! Slow, deep breathing helps your brain get out of crisis mode.
• Keep a record! Use an app that tracks your mood (Daylio, etc) so you can review it and see that you have good days and bad days.
• Be open to challenging your thoughts especially when something feels all-good or all-bad.
• Let the feeling pass on its own, without seeking reassurance.
• Use "and also" statements, for example
  • "I am trying my best right now, and also, I can do better."
  • "I am feeling ignored, and also, I have lots of evidence that my partner loves me."
  • "I made a mistake and need to apologize, and also, everyone makes mistakes."
  • "I am angry, and also, I know this feeling is temporary and I will feel happiness again."

On the topic of not pushing people away, I heard a quote from Cinema Therapy's video on Youtube. The video is Villain Therapy: Anakin Skywalker, where Jonathan Decker and Alan Seawright also talked about BPD. What he said has stuck with me since I first heard it. It really helps me to remind myself of that whenever I realise I'm splitting.

In that video, Jonathan said, "Finding people who will love you unconditionally, I know, is the greatest struggle—but when people tell you they love you, choose to believe them. Well, sometimes they could be manipulators, so when people show you that they love you through consistent doing right by you, you don't need to test them—you just need to believe them—and that is healing." (timestamp 27:35)

I hope this can help. All the best to you 💙

@SilverSeastar

Hi there, thanks so much for replying! It definitely does make relationships a lot more difficult, sadly. I thought after taking a hiatus from dating like I did, that it would be easier for me once I started up again. Safe to say I was wrong! Lol! Thanks so much, though, I’ve always been extremely self-aware from a very young age, I’m not sure how or why. But this is my first real relationship in over 4 years, so I’d like to do everything I can to make it work.

Ahhh Catherine’s content is so, so , so helpful! I haven’t been paying much attention to her recently, though, so thank you so much for reminding me about it! I will certainly be checking that post out. :)

Those are all super fantastic tips. I always forget to do these wonderful things while having an episode and just end up blowing up. I’m not sure how to slow my roll, though I will admit, I’ve been blowing up a heck of a lot less this past week, and take a step back instead! The “and also” statement idea is one I haven’t tried yet and sounds phenomenal, so that’s next on my list.

That is such a wonderful quote, my gosh I adore it! If I could get it tattooed on me, I totally would, but it’s too long! Ahhh 🤣 thanks so much for sharing that with me and all of the wonderful tips. It truly means the world and I hope you’re having a wonderful day/afternoon/evening/night, whatever time it is when you see this! ❤️