How Do You Not Push People Away that Obviously Care/Gain Emotional Permanence?

@TheBPDBaddie

Hi friend. I can hear the pain and frustration in what you've posted here. It sounds like you really care for your partner a lot, and are concerned about how your emotional health affects your relationship. I can hear how much you're struggling with the times when he is not in your presence and how that affects your emotional health.

Choosing Therapy defines a favorite person as, "the most important person in their life." On the topic of how the favorite person relationship influences someone with BPD, they say, "Because the individual with BPD relies so heavily on their favorite person for love and attention, any slight transgression can result in anger, fear, or a sense of instability."

Now, I am not disagreeing with your assessment of your relationship with your boyfriend. It's very much a big thing that you're able to recognize that you're struggling with emotional permanence, and I commend you for that. That's a big step towards identifying what next step(s) you can take.

You've mentioned that you're trying to make friends outside of the relationship and struggling with that. What sort of methods have you tried with making friends, such as online support groups, in person types of gatherings, etc.? How do you think you would feel if you had other people available in your support network, compared to how you're feeling currently?

@TheBPDBaddie

Hello there. Thank you for sharing. I can relate with you a lot. The intense emotions from BPD does make relationships much more difficult. Despite the challenges, though, it's awesome that you and your partner deeply care for each other. I really admire your awareness and how much effort you put into solving these issues through gaining emotional permanence.

I've read Catherine Humenuk's post about BPD and object constancy on her social media (@catherinelcsw). I also find her page in general really helpful. The specific post, Living with BPD: Object Constancy, can be found here. To quote some of her solutions in that post,

• Breathe! Slow, deep breathing helps your brain get out of crisis mode.
• Keep a record! Use an app that tracks your mood (Daylio, etc) so you can review it and see that you have good days and bad days.
• Be open to challenging your thoughts especially when something feels all-good or all-bad.
• Let the feeling pass on its own, without seeking reassurance.
• Use "and also" statements, for example
  • "I am trying my best right now, and also, I can do better."
  • "I am feeling ignored, and also, I have lots of evidence that my partner loves me."
  • "I made a mistake and need to apologize, and also, everyone makes mistakes."
  • "I am angry, and also, I know this feeling is temporary and I will feel happiness again."

On the topic of not pushing people away, I heard a quote from Cinema Therapy's video on Youtube. The video is Villain Therapy: Anakin Skywalker, where Jonathan Decker and Alan Seawright also talked about BPD. What he said has stuck with me since I first heard it. It really helps me to remind myself of that whenever I realise I'm splitting.

In that video, Jonathan said, "Finding people who will love you unconditionally, I know, is the greatest struggle—but when people tell you they love you, choose to believe them. Well, sometimes they could be manipulators, so when people show you that they love you through consistent doing right by you, you don't need to test them—you just need to believe them—and that is healing." (timestamp 27:35)

I hope this can help. All the best to you 💙