Considering hospitalization
Hey everyone and thank you for reading this.
I'm 25 yo female. I was diagnosed with BPD when I was 16 and I'm in treatment since. I was hospitalized a few times. I went through many meds changes and switched quite a number of therapists. There was a time when I was completely okay, but for the last two and a half years it's only getting worse. I've never been what you'd call "a good patient", I did my share of stuff I shouldn't do, but it's getting out of hands this time. I'm drinking almost daily, acting out, I even feel some aggressive tendencies, short temper, crying all the time, anxiety, loneliness, constant feeling of inadequacy.
Since I was hospitalized before, I know how it works and I even liked it there. But this would be fourth year in a row I'm spending the spring in hospital. I get attached to people there, I do solve some issues, but I feel like I'm always discovering others. If I could go and be sure I'll mind my own business and not connect to others that much, it would be fine. I'm just really confused. Sometimes I feel like I'm running to hospitals when I can't take responsibility for my actions and using BPD as an excuse.
I have to mention I have full support from my family and boyfriend, and they've been really worried about me lately, so I see that as one more sign I need more intense therapy.
I'm not sure what else info to provide, I'm really confused and the feelings are completely overwhelming.
Thanks for reading, any reply will be much appreciated.
@AquarelleFlower it certainly sounds like you've been considering this for a while; and I can tell it's been bothering you. This must be quite a hard decision for you, so if you ever need support, don't be afraid to pop me a message and we can chat 
@peacefulHug92
Thank you so much, but there's no option to message you, just follow, Am I doing something wrong?
@AquarelleFlower ahhh sorry just noticed, you are over 18 and I only listen to teens, so there isn't a option to message me. Don't be afraid to click 'chat now' though! 
@AquarelleFlower
Hey dear,
well the way you describe it here, sure there are lots of pros but also cons, so it's not an easy decision to make. Yet to me it feels like you're thinking a lot about what COULD go wrong and in what way your behavior COULD be judged as "not assuming responsibility for your situation"... but in fact the most important thing for you right now is to get some emergency help so you can find a way out of that downwards spiral you got caught in.
And if being hospitalized would help you reach that, then DO IT. Cause first and foremost this is about saving yourself and getting you more stable. And once you're in the hospital, maybe you can talk to a doctor about all those concerns you mentioned in your initial post, so maybe they can help you with that and you guys could find a conjoint solution so all the stuff that went wrong during your previous stays won't repeat.
But after our previous chats I got a feeling you're pretty much at the end of your rope with the way things are right now, so you've reached a point where professional help is really needed... and if being hospitalized would be a working way to get that, then to me it feels like you should consider it for real. <3
You can go back to assuming responsibility for your behavior later, when you're more stable again. It's okay to let others help you when things are getting too much for you to handle them on your own. 