"Blurryface"

So I suffer from the disorders PTSD, and Borderline Personality Disorder. My friends have given my "dark side" the name Blurryface which is the same name my friend Ty gave to his dark side. He/she is the mental embodiment of self doubt. My Blurryface comes out a lot more than it used to because I came from an abusive household. I hold in everything and eventually explode in anger and subsequently push the people I love away out of fear of abandonment. Yesterday was my 20th birthday and I'm so used to no one being there for me on my birthday so I set myself up to believe that no one one visit me. I started acting out and eventually fulfilled my own prophecy. No Blurryface isn't an outside voice, or a separate personality, he is just the name I have given myself when my BPD comes out. So Blurryface kept telling me that no one will care enough to come around so as a result I acted out so it wouldn't hurt as much if they didn't come. But it only made them not want to deal with me so they didn't visit or call or text. I don't know how to think positively anymore and I am constantly being told that I'm using my mental illness as a crutch. If I do, I don't realize it. I almost self harmed again yesterday and my trust has been worn more thin.