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BPD and Dating... ISO Advice
SkinzShedder August 9th, 2023
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Alright so I identify with the disorganized attachment style. From my experience with past relationships, basically I'm painfully emotionally avoidant until I'm not. Cue me feeling some sort of 'shift' in the relationship dynamic and suddenly I become desperately anxious, like psycho anxious. It's really not funny but I imagine it must come as a huge shock to my partners, since I acted so indifferent with them before. I struggle with communicating my needs and expressing my feelings to partners. I really struggle with black and white thinking, especially once I'm triggered (enter rage monster which is so insane). After many years of confusion and "why is this happening to me" I got a BPD diagnosis.... I am in therapy for this and am putting in some hard and much need work on myself.

That being said...with my insane fears related to intimacy, specifically emotional intimacy, in romantic relationships, at what point is it appropriate or necessary for me to sit down and have the "BPD talk" with a partner?

Please remember I'm very avoidant and I'm petrified of being rejected, fearing that the person I desire will find me "crazy" or "too much." I also really fear having this information used against me and getting badly manipulated and used as a result. Unfortunately, I've experienced both outcomes in the past which has only added to my fears and major trust issues. I'm not sure how to have this kind of conversation at all. I don't want to trauma dump or overshare prematurely. I don't want to freak anybody out either, as I understand that not everyone is as mental health/trauma informed as me. I'm also trying to work on discernment in therapy so I'm not jumping straight into relationships in an effort to better vet and choose better fitting partners.

Has anyone ever had this kind of conversation before with a partner? Any advice? I have no idea how to go about handling this.

1
YourCaringConfidant August 9th, 2023
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@SkinzShedder Hi there. Thanks for opening up and sharing with us. I believe the subject of when to have the "BPD talk" is one that many may wonder about. However, I never had to have this talk as I received my diagnosis while I was currently married. It wasn't just something I had to share to "justify" why I did certain things so my spouse could understand. With that said, I do believe honesty in relationships is very important. Some people with BPD have a fear of rejection. However, ask yourself how can a relationship work without trust? What's the purpose of being in a relationship if we can't feel safe with this person. Sharing your struggles of having BPD with this person will allow you to learn about them and they get to learn more about you. ♡ You said "choose better fitting partners" and I'm glad you did because you deserve to have a partner that accepts you and loves you unconditionally. Someone that makes you feel safe, supported, and be there for you on the not so good days. Speaking for myself, I believe it's me having BPD that makes me the passionate, loving, and empathetic person I am. Please don't let your diagnosis define you ever but rather embrace the "good" that it brings out in you. When you're ready and decide with and to whom you share your BPD talk with, that's a personal decision. I hope when you do that your partner is receptive and there for you. I also wanted to say I'm proud of you. Please take care of yourself. 😃

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