Avoidant Personality Disorder Discussion
Hello everyone, how are you doing? 🌸
Today we want to discuss Avoidant Personality Disorder, this thread makes mention of some of the struggles and situations people may deal with due to this disorder, in order to introduce the discussion. It's not meant to label anybody but to offer an occasion to share the personal experience and for some, to learn how to better help someone they care for that has Avoidant Personality Disorder. 💙
Feel free to answer all or some of the questions and you are welcome to share freely your experience! 🙂
Avoidant Personality Disorder: In many situations people may act with inhibitions, have difficulty talking about themselves and may tend to hide intimate feelings for fear of exposing themselves, being ridiculed or humiliated.
If you're in a relationship with an avoidant person, you need to realize that when they push you away , it means they’re anxious and trying to repress those negative emotions they’re feeling. It’s for them a difficult situation to manage.
People struggling with Avoidant Personality Disorder are said to tend to withdraw because they are hypersensitive to possible rejection or criticism from others but deep down they crave social interaction.
They may assume that people will be critical and disapprove of them until ‘’they pass rigorous tests’’ that prove otherwise. Thus, before joining a group and forming a close relationship, people with this disorder require repeated reassurances of support and uncritical acceptance.
💡How does avoidant personality disorder manifest itself for you?
💡 What is your biggest fear when you enter into relationships with others?
💡When and why did you feel to leave an interaction/relationship?
💡How do you handle your emotions when you feel like you need to walk away?
💡How can you help yourself when you feel that fears rise up?
💡What would you like people to learn and know about your struggles?
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@MeaningfulSilence I have Avoidant Personality Disorder. I may later answer the other questions, but here are my thoughts on the last question.
What would you like people to learn and know about your struggles?
1. If you meet someone who seems insecure, anxious, inhibited and socially awkward (which are some of the symptoms of AvPD), please be kind and nonjudgmental towards them. They may be struggling and suffering a lot, and you don't know what hardships they might have gone through in life that caused them to become so insecure and fearful.
2. If someone with AvPD has avoided/abandoned/ghosted you, it probably wasn't because of you and they probably didn't intend to hurt you. Most likely the reason was fear of being rejected, the tendency to escape when things get too close/intimate, or feeling that they're not good enough and that you're better off without them.
3. Sometimes I wish that people without this disorder were more aware of how lucky they are to have certain things in life, so that they could more consciously enjoy these things. Please don't take the things you have for granted, but know that other people are fighting a hard battle in an attempt to achieve them. Some examples of things that a person who has AvPD may miss out on in life and dream of having: the freedom to walk outside and be in public places without fear; connections with other people; a basic level of self-esteem; the ability to participate in and enjoy social events; the ability to achieve their full potential in a job. (I'm not saying everyone without AvPD has all these things; rather my point is if you are lucky to have one or more of these things in life, don't forget to appreciate and enjoy it.)
@Ilona7 I don't have AvPD but I really appreciate you taking the time to explain this. The whole time I read what you typed, I just shook my head because I could relate with a lot of those feelings. I thank you for being so open about this so me and others could better be understanding to what AvPD looks like to some. <3 Xoxo.
Thanks for the kind replies 💜 So here are my answers to the other questions.
How does avoidant personality disorder manifest itself for you?
I'll try to explain what living with this disorder feels like. Imagine that painful feeling you get when you feel very bad about yourself, for example when you were just rejected, did something you're ashamed of, or failed at something that's important to you. Now imagine feeling this way not just in these situations but always. With AvPD you have a very painful self-image and feel inferior to other people. You have extremely low self-esteem and live with chronic feelings of shame and inadequacy. This causes you to become painfully self-aware when around other people, because you’re afraid that they will see what a terrible and inferior person you are and judge and reject you for it. The shame and fear you feel in social situations cause you to freeze and become socially awkward, resulting in negative and embarrassing social experiences, which then feel as proof for your painful self-image. To protect yourself from this pain and humiliation, you start to avoid social situations and public places, becoming more and more socially isolated. You feel extremely lonely and crave social interaction, but keep isolating yourself, because you feel that you’re socially inadequate and unworthy of anyone’s time.
What is your biggest fear when you enter into relationships with others?
That when they get to know the real me, they will realise that I’m inferior and something is inherently wrong with me. And that they will reject me because of it, thereby confirming the painful feelings I have about myself.
When and why did you feel to leave an interaction/relationship?
Looking back at the many times that I avoided social interactions, I now see that the true reason was to avoid judgment, rejection, and humiliation. But during these moments, I was often not consciously aware of this, and instead had all kind of excuses that made my behaviour seem reasonable and justified (e.g., I don’t have anything in common with this person, I don’t feel well today, I don’t have time). Now that I have my diagnosis, I am more aware that when I avoid social interactions it is because of shame and fear, and I try to change my behaviour.
How do you handle your emotions when you feel like you need to walk away?
Remind myself that avoidance makes me lonely and unhappy, and encourage myself to keep trying to connect to others instead of withdrawing.
How can you help yourself when you feel that fears rise up?
Imagine your mind is a movie with different characters in it. Your anxious thoughts are the words spoken by a scared child. The negative thoughts you have about yourself are the lines of the villain of the movie: a mean character that is saying hurtful things to the child. Now imagine a caring, loving person entering the scene. Imagine them standing up for the child, sending the villain away, and then comforting the child. What kind/helpful things do they say to reassure the child? After the scene is finished, remember these kind and helpful words and focus on them when you enter the feared situation.
@Ilona7
Hello Ilona7!
Thank you for coming to share for more. I confirm again how useful your post is and how good you are in helping others with your words. I would hope you can see this aspect of yourself which makes of you a positive valuable person that is surely not inferior to anybody 💙
It's good that thanks to the diagnosis you can better understand yourself in order to find ways to cope with your struggles.
I hope we can support you at best, let me know how I can be useful to you with my work on here and feel free to drop me a message for any suggestion you may have on how to better built this community for you 🌻
@MeaningfulSilence Thanks so much for your kind words and support. At the moment I'm mainly hoping that more people with AvPD will find their way to 7cups and join the discussion. I haven't seen that many people talking about this disorder on here so far (which is understandable as the disorder's symptoms may keep people from doing so), but I would love to talk to other people who have this disorder, so that we can learn from each other's experience.
