Making my first check-in and letting off some steam in the way.

Hey thank you for opening my message. I am not diagnosed with ASPD -- or anything really. I had one encounter with so called 'professionals' in my country. None of the three therapists would come to any conclusion. Not a real surprise since they spent not more than 5 minutes at best talking with me. --, but after years of research I have a strong suspiction that I might have ASPD (possibly with BPD/Schizoid/Bipolar influences). I've got no 'fancy symptoms' to brag about here like a tendency to violence. Yeah, I have them and thankfully I can keep these in control too so far, so I don't consider these to be problematic at all. The emptiness, the sometimes inescapable boredom, an anger stronger than I, and being left alone in a judgemental society that refuses to understand that come with it is the real suffering I think. I am well aware of the stigma around these disorders and their untreatable nature so one half of me feels I'm better off without any official diagnosis. The only thing I want is some understanding maybe.

I'm in my 20's and never had a job in my life, failed at multiple schools due to my bad mental state at the time in the past. (note: not that those degrees could get me any job right now, unfortunately.) Now I have no resources (money and energy) to fix anything. Thankfully I have the support of my S.O. to get me some food and basic goods. I feel dearly and infinitely grateful about this, but I still have an existencial dread mixed up with some nihilism almost constantly because this support does not seem to be enough to let us escape this wasteland. My environment had always felt hostile, and now its hostility seems to be multiplying. My neighborhood is hostile. No jobs available for people like me, since I'm not strong physically and have low stress tolerance. The only things I am good at the creative and mental work that are strongly discouraged here. My country is like going from 1st world to 3rd world and like abuse is the norm here in social interactions. Education and healthcare is declining. You literally have to wait half a day to get a bandage changed or you can consider yourself lucky if you get an appointment in the same year to have your vital organ surgery. I feel stuck and crippled in a relatively large city without affording driving licenses or any means of transportation. The air is polluted by uncaring people. In the big markets 95% of food is unhealthy because people here go for the 'cheap' standard -- which isn't actually cheap in the end -- and good plain stuff I like seem to be getting withdrawn. The last day I couldn't get simple things like bar soap and toothpaste that isn't loaded with all those toxic chemicals and had to walk out of the store without buying anything for myself. The grumpiness of people typical to this sh**hole country was just cherry on top when we (S.O. and I) politely asked the staff about the absent products. Like we were the stupid little annoyments how dare we ask them. Seriously I had to stop myself in there from doing damage to the damn store. I missed last night's sleep due to this. People here are hostile and hateful I hear many arguments from the other side of the walls of my apartment regularly. Yelling seems to be a common thing in families, between parents and their children or two adults. Funny enough that a woman regularly yells at her child or children that they should get a damn job. While even stores and factories often ignore or decline applicants. It seems very common here for people to have a lack of compassion. I may have my deficits in my affective empathy but still I can make the choice to act compassionately to make those close to me feel a bit more comfortable in their daily struggles. Since my philosophy tends to be based on the common nature of suffering, meaning that all life forms come with a suffering in a way or another. So I can't say witnessing these does not affect me despite I have nothing to do with their argument, thankfully. I can't help feeling saddened and disgusted by these people. Probably they keep reminding me to my own parents/relatives. So in conclusion I can't seem to do anything better now than trying to find many ways of enjoyment to make every dull day away. I'm only hoping to keep myself at the healthy side with these. Thanks for reading me.