Aspd sufferer
i wanna start this off by saying that i have not officially been diagnosed with ASPD as i have never seeked out a diagnosis for it . I spent the last couple of years trying to understand my self and my behaviors better and try to get better control of them . Through my reading of psychology and watching countless videos and comparing my experiences to first hand experiences of ASPD i realized my experiences are identical to those being described by people with such a condition. I think there is a very high probability that it is the case that i am a sufferer as well. I use the word suffering because unlike what the media and vast majority of youtube videos like to portray , there is nothing glorious about being a sociopath . Especially not a self aware one. It is a painful discovery when you understand that all your connections with other people are fake since you cant feel any emotions whatsoever towards them. I have hurt many people in my life emotionally and other wise . Looking back at my own life i can see chaous and cycles of self sabotage , hurting others for my own gain , using and discarding people when their use is done , disregard for my own safety and substance and alcohol abuse and so much more. I realized i have no functioning conscience whatsoever , i do not feel any remorse when i hurt another person or for any of the horrible things i have done , however i started to get more and more anxious as i got older , i am now 25 , i do want to be a better person because i understand cognitively that its in my self interest to do so . I have a craving to be understood by other people that i can never fullfill because i dont have any person i can unmask around . Always acting gets extremely tiring. I really want to form some type of emotional bond with people but realized its impossible for me. I can only feel a small range of emotions mostly negative and i am constantly sensation seeking through risky behavior. I am extremely ambitious and obssesed with power and control but i am internally being torn apart by these discoveries about my self and what it all means and how i could fit in this world in a way that is not destructive but dont see a path way for that to happen . I am a person who is already dead and i will likely never have anyone understand me , never to love or to be loved , just a cursed soul and its a difficult pain to explain the extreme loneliness and isolation you feel . People like me are created by pain and we die young and the outer shell that is left of us that inflicts pain in the world is just our childhood traumas playing themselves out . Nothing glorious about it . I wish there was a path for me to heal from this condition
@Shyst265
Hey @Shyst265,
My name is FrenchMarbles, I’m one of the listeners here at 7Cups and it’s really good to meet you today.
Reading through with what you’ve said, it does sound like it matches ASPD. I’ve had a look on the mind.org.uk website (Charity in the UK for mental health conditions) and here is what I found.
Antisocial personality disorder
It is natural to sometimes put our own needs, pleasure, or personal gain before those of others around us. However, if these actions occur very frequently and you struggle to keep stability in your life, or you regularly act impulsively out of anger or lack of consideration for others, this could lead to a diagnosis of antisocial personality disorder.
You may:
· put yourself in dangerous or risky situations, often without thinking about the consequences for yourself or other people
· behave dangerously and sometimes illegally (you may have a criminal record)
· behave in ways that are unpleasant for others
· feel very easily bored and act on impulse – for example, you may find it difficult to hold down a job for long
· behave aggressively and get into fights easily
· do things even though they may hurt people – to get what you want, putting your needs and desires above other people's
· have problems with empathy – for example, you may not feel or show any sense of guilt if you have mistreated others
After reading that, it does sound like you have similar symptoms, can I ask why you haven’t been diagnosed yet? Are the doctors aware of you having this condition? If you are struggling and you need to do some self-help guidance, I did come across this and thought this might be useful for you if you prefer doing things your own way?
Is there anything I can do to support you?
Best wishes
F r e n c h M a r b l e s
⚫ Quality Mentor ⚫Listener Coach ⚫Forum Supporter ⚫Project Agent
Press the ‘Reply’ button to respond to me, so I can get a notification, otherwise I might not even see it!
Hi, we can talk if you want. I'm very apathetic and all, but I would like to talk with someone that's going through the same things as me.