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Shyst265
1 4,528 M Seeking Light 6
PathStep 4 Compassion hearts63 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes5 Current upvotes5 Age GroupAdult Last activeOctober, 2024 Member sinceJune 14, 2020
Recent forum posts
Aspd sufferer
Personality Disorders Support / by Shyst265
Last post
 December 31st, 2023
...See more i wanna start this off by saying that i have not officially been diagnosed with ASPD as i have never seeked out a diagnosis for it . I spent the last couple of years trying to understand my self and my behaviors better and try to get better control of them . Through my reading of psychology and watching countless videos and comparing my experiences to first hand experiences of ASPD i realized my experiences are identical to those being described by people with such a condition. I think there is a very high probability that it is the case that i am a sufferer as well. I use the word suffering because unlike what the media and vast majority of youtube videos like to portray , there is nothing glorious about being a sociopath . Especially not a self aware one. It is a painful discovery when you understand that all your connections with other people are fake since you cant feel any emotions whatsoever towards them. I have hurt many people in my life emotionally and other wise . Looking back at my own life i can see chaous and cycles of self sabotage , hurting others for my own gain , using and discarding people when their use is done , disregard for my own safety and substance and alcohol abuse and so much more. I realized i have no functioning conscience whatsoever , i do not feel any remorse when i hurt another person or for any of the horrible things i have done , however i started to get more and more anxious as i got older , i am now 25 , i do want to be a better person because i understand cognitively that its in my self interest to do so . I have a craving to be understood by other people that i can never fullfill because i dont have any person i can unmask around . Always acting gets extremely tiring. I really want to form some type of emotional bond with people but realized its impossible for me. I can only feel a small range of emotions mostly negative and i am constantly sensation seeking through risky behavior. I am extremely ambitious and obssesed with power and control but i am internally being torn apart by these discoveries about my self and what it all means and how i could fit in this world in a way that is not destructive but dont see a path way for that to happen . I am a person who is already dead and i will likely never have anyone understand me , never to love or to be loved , just a cursed soul and its a difficult pain to explain the extreme loneliness and isolation you feel . People like me are created by pain and we die young and the outer shell that is left of us that inflicts pain in the world is just our childhood traumas playing themselves out . Nothing glorious about it . I wish there was a path for me to heal from this condition
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