@alsea
@marksmind01 did you get to do what we said?
Hello!! I tried to but it became a huge hassle to make an account. I tried to make an account through the app and website but it won't save my username, it just kept resetting and not saving my name. I tried multiple times but after a while I just said 🤷♂️
@Marksmind01
That sucks :(( well we have this, even if it's not ideal
True and honestly I don't mind, I'll still try and see if I'm able to make one again soon but I'll let you know if I manage to make one.
I still hadn't been able to write still. I'm not sure how to describe it but certain thoughts aren't possible to write down. Idk if that makes sense lol
@Marksmind01
Okay, if you have time go ahead and let me know when you make it!
I've been writing my thoughts for years so I guess I don't mind about that any more hahahaha
Maybe try to write it as if you were telling me? Or telling her, or write like an introduction to yourself, explaining that this thoughts are TOP SECRET and doesn't mean it's exactly what you think, it just you trying to write them down.
Also, maybe what is making it difficult is that you want to write it so it makes sense, but sometimes thoughts don't make sense, or they come like a waterfall. So again don't worry about the writing not being perfect or not making sense.
And if you can't do it it's okay, it's a suggestion. It might not work well for you
Honestly it's a mixture of when I actually sit down it just leaves my brain last minute and a waterfall of emotions randomly come in. It's an endless cycle, I've had my note for a while and only wrote 5 pages worth at max 💀.
Something that helps me personally is to listen to meaningful music. I know that's a common thing everyone does and it's no different for me lmao. I write down certain lyrics from musicians I like. I can talk for hours about lyrics in music and the subjective meaning behind them.
@Marksmind01
5 pages? That's quite some!
Music. It might be common, but it's special for you, so that's what's important. Also I don't think many can talk for hours about the meaning of the lyrics.
Have you been talking to her? Have you set a date of when she comes to town?
I haven't reached out to her at all. Mostly because I'm usually busy with managing things at home, time flies by and loose track of time. I may wait a bit just because I'm not doing too well internally, I just don't wanna be the downer in the conversation ya know. I also don't really wanna rush anything too.
I've mentioned before but there's just certain reasons why I worry to even hint at it. Because of some days I'm all good and some days I'm super down. I don't wanna be the reason why her or any of my friends feel down. There's certain things in my life that are out of control and I worry if it's make or break.
I've always told myself that if she finds someone else that can make her genuinely happy and provide more, then who am I to stop that? I would like her to be happy and healthy even if its with or without me in the picture.
@Marksmind01
First of all, sorry for replying late. This weekend I took a break of everything because I needed to recharge.
I get you, I relate to a lot you say. First of all, rush????? rush what???? 10 years isn’t enough time??? Also we were talking about taking the first steps, baby steps, nothing is rushing. But think about something, let’s imagine she says yes, she has felt the same all this time, she wants the same as you and you are together, managing both of your lives together. Your life will be pretty much the same, you will have the same things in your life, some days you will be up, and some days you will be down, but every day you’ll be with her. It isn’t make or break, it isn’t black or white, and it isn’t all out of your control, there is more in your control than you think. Also, if somebody wants you, they will want your ups and downs. Wouldn't you to her? so why should'nt she for you
Do you remember the exercice my therapist gave me that I shared with you, about how specific thoughts make you feel, how certain you are it will go this way, etc.
And about the last paragraph, you have to be happy and healthy, focus on that. And then, you like her, you are interested in her, it’s okay if you can’t say love right now. But, if she thinks she won’t be happy with you, if she thinks you aren’t who she wants, you won’t stop it. Because she will tell you. But that we don’t know now, what we know now is you think she is the one who will make you genuienly happy, etc etc so act based on that, act on what you know, and we’ll see later what happens, and later what you need to do.
It's okay and I'm honestly still down but I'm still down to chat whenever. I don't blame you or anyone if a break is needed.
The reason why I say I'm in no rush is because 10 years ago I had planned and hope I would be in a better position than where I am now. To rip off the band aid, all plans I had crumbled a few years ago. I'm still recovering from what life has thrown at me. It's the "maybe if I enter a certain school or reach a certain academic level then I would consider myself good enough to match her level." It wasn't just her I have this mindset with everyone in my life. Everyone in my life are either doctors, therapist or some form of scientist. I want to match that level but I simply can't after multiple attempts. When everything came crashing down, I was so low I had to disconnect myself from other people because I was the most unstable I've ever been.
I opened up to my parents about how things fell apart. It was the biggest mistake I've ever done. A comment of "you better not have a gf because you have done nothing in life". That comment on top of others is still in my brain on repeat. It really hurt me because I dedicated so much time to do something good for others and for myself, my own health was at risk and by the end it still wasn't good enough because by the end everything fell apart. I may be in tears already just by typing this but this is just one of many reasons why I don't wanna rush anything. Things may seem baby steps for you but for me it's huge leaps of faith.
TLDR; I just don't wanna ruin anything anymore in my life. I don't wanna be reminded why I'm not good enough at anything or for anyone. I don't wanna add this to my list of Mess Up's.
Hello 👋
I'm gonna start a new thing so it is more comfortable.
Now I totally get why are you struggling so much, and at this point is when I might stop feeling confident to give you advice because, even tho our life situation is completely different, on a smaller level, I have the same thoughts and feelings as you.
I understand why it's taking you so much, it is a gigantic pressure and weight on you. And you want to be sure you won't crumble if it doesn't go as you hope. Which I get it.
I don't know what else to say. You still have my encouragement. I do think it's important to have a good base to pick you up of you fall in this specific situation (with her), which it can also serve you to not get too high up if it goes well.
I assume what you mentioned earlier, about your life and mess and working to get it. I assume it is related to that.
I would put focus on what you really want, in life, as career, etc. Remember you are the one living it, the choices are for you and not for others.
And guilt, don't put too much pressure on yourself. And neither guilt. Many things are out of our control, many things don't work well for us even if we follow the right steps, or the steps you are supposed to follow. Everyone is different, this world isn't functioning that way but that's how it is
This is why I mentioned the other day "I'm just some random guy". I'm not an attractive person for starters, I'm not the brightest person especially with the geniuses I'm surrounded with. If she can find someone who's more attractive and has achieved more than I have and can make her happy then I can only admire her from a distance. I still hope for the right time.
One important note I completely forgot to add is that her and I have a group of friends and we are a pretty close for a while before our group chay went silent (I actually met her through one of them back then). My worry is that I'm not sure how the other would react to that, I've never opened up to them about how I feel about her to them.
I also hope me opening up like that didnt drive you away or something. If it did then I'm sorry, I have opened up about my family situation before to a few friends but it all ended in not really talking anymore. So I do apologize for that.
@Marksmind01
Noo don't apologise 😭 you aren't a random person. You are sensitive and empathic and that is rare. And don't worry about your family, I have heard and seen many families haha
You are assuming for her it matters that her partner has some title or some career or something like that. But maybe she cares for other qualities. Do you even know that?
About the friends, I get the worry. Ixve never had a group of friends so I do not know the dynamics. But maybe I would prefer to just talk it out to her? And tell her about the worry of the whole groups. If you are together, you decide when and how to tell the others. But if you aren't together, I would thing it js also good to talk how to move forward.
We're talking about the future, which I'm quite sure neither of us knows.
I assume that might just add more pressure on you, but, you really do have a lot in your power. You can chose, you can use all you have learned, all you want to avoid, for this.
It's completely okay dont feel forced to reply instantly and honestly, this apps notifications are delayed for me so I see all messages very late anyway lol.
The more I thought about. I believe the reason why I assume she may wish to have a partner that matches her level of intelligence is because we basically have the same friends (except for the ones she's made at the university) so she's always with top tier intelligent soon to be doctor peirs. So maybe that's the average? And I don't consider myself super intelligent academics wise so that's why I don't wanna let her down. Idk if that explanation made any sense.
On top of trying to make my family proud, there's that extra level of stress and pressure to do well.
It's obvious now but there's a lot I'm worried about and some of which I realistically shouldn't be paranoid about but I constantly overthink my actions. Everything from how I word my sentences, how long my messages are and even the emojis I use. It sounds really dumb but when a friend told me that different colored heart emoji colors have different meanings, I overthink it a lot 😭 and to this day I still don't know what each color heart means, if any meaning at all. Idk if you know anything about this type of stuff.
It sounds so dumb reading this again as I type but that's just me being honest 😂
hi