A simple chat between friends
@Tinywhisper11
I figured we should have a thread on here, I see you already have a few different threads here in the PenPals community, sorry if mine is one too many 😅
@WinterAims haha! I do have a few penpals,😁 I try to help and support as many people as I can. ❤and I would be honoured to be your friend ❤ ❤ a safe place for us to talk and vent. I'm in therapy too for similar reasons to you I'm guessin
@Tinywhisper11 Sorry, passed out around 6am, right after I posted last night lol 😅 you’re incredible tiny, I think it’s awesome that you’re willing to help and support other people ❤️ I’m glad that You’re here ❤️❤️ May I ask you something? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, it is a bit personal, what did you think of therapy after your first few sessions? I mentioned in my post yesterday that I’ve only been to a few sessions and I’d be lying if I said it was easy, but in all honesty I’m sort of scared of having to “dig deeper” into my trauma and everything, I get really deep into it when writing poems but it’s completely different when it’s face to face with someone else, it’s overwhelming really. Sorry for the wall of text 😅❤️
@WinterAims ahh yeah, I don't ever look anyone in the eye ever. Even my carers and the other residents here at the care home. It's very difficult talking face to face. I have a psychologist and a psychiatrist. Psychologist is the one who is for talking therapy, she's really really nice. But it's been a couple of years now I've been with her. And I still don't talk to much about the very deep stuff. It's to hard to go into to much detail when talking to her. Our cases will be a little different though. But don't be afraid, just remember you don't have to say anything you don't want to ❤❤is your therapist nice? And 6am?!? Your a night owl I take it? Me I love the early mornings, that's when I get up. I say early morning I've not long woke up its almost 2am. So I'm a early early early bird😁
@Tinywhisper11 I'll be more talkative after coffee😁 this is me before coffee😑😐😐😐😐😐😐 then after coffee😋😀😁😁😃😄😄😃😄😃😄😃😄
@Tinywhisper11 I understand that, And yeah, my therapist is pretty nice. Still building up a little trust with her, though she seemed really kind and understanding but therapy a little different than I thought. Its more goal oriented, and focused on working through the things I’ve shared with her, a lot about how i feel too, which in difficult to talk about, mostly because over half the time I’m not sure how i feel, or I’m unable to describe it. And yes, I’m a night owl I work early through the week though 6am to aroun 3-5 or sometimes later, I love the morning too, sometimes it’s just hard for me to want to go to sleep, so I end up, avoiding it, and staying up late like I did yesterday, it’s a bad habit of mine lol, I LOOOOOVE coffee haha (i’ve been using talk to text, so I apologize if my words are misspelled or don’t make sense. I’m on my way home now) ❤️
@WinterAims wow! You must have some muscles ❤ I'm glad you like your job though, get you have made some good friends there ❤ do you live with friends or family?? Where would you like to live ? Where would your dream home be?
I don’t know about muscle lol, I have a hard time keeping up for the most part 😅 I’ve made some good friends yeah, I love my coworkers, my boss can be aggravating but he’s a good person ❤️ I’m roomies with a previous coworker of mine, I mostly just lay in my room though lol
Id like to stay here in the town I’m in, but I’d love to have a secluded house on the lake, no neighbors that you can see, just nature. I love nature, even if I’m just looking at it through my window, it’s just so free and peaceful you know? A beachside mansion would be nice too lol, but I prefer a lake surrounded by trees
Oh I almost forgot! Gotta have a super awesome coffee pot in it too ❤️
@WinterAims yep don't forget the coffee pot😁 I dream of living in a beautiful log cabin in the woods, completely secluded from all humans, a peaceful stream running by, and a porch of course, and a magic fridge. That gives me whatever I want 😁 so I'll pretty much be living of icecream and coffee😎 it's mother's day here in the UK today, and the weather is just rain and coldness. I managed to go and sit outside for 20 minutes. Just to see my son. Now I'm freezing and trying to get warm again, but it was definitely worth it ❤❤
@Tinywhisper11 that sounds like an amazingly beautiful place ❤️ and a magic fridge is a really good idea, how did I not think of that 🤔 lol
Happy Mother’s Day! Sorry that it’s just cold and rainy there 😔 I’ll write you something today to try and brighten up the day! I think it’s great that you got to see your son, I can see how it would be worth it to get to see him ❤️ how was he doing? How are you doing?
Also, what time is it where you are? I imagine its a lot later in the day than it is here? It’s currently 5am here lol
@WinterAims it's 10am here ❤ almost bed time for you ❤ ❤ aww that's sweet, you don't have to write me anything ❤ my son is ok I hope, he's in heaven now with God. My carers put a cross under the willow tree in the garden for him. I like to go sit there with him ❤ in the warmer weather, I go sit out there every day and watch the sunrise ❤❤ my name is lola by the way ❤
@Tinywhisper11 5 hour time difference isn’t too bad ❤️ I didn’t realize, I apologize if what I said may have been a trigger or anything, it’s really nice that your carers put a cross under a willow tree for him, I think it’s amazing that you sit out there with him, watching the sunrise through the summer there sounds beautiful ❤️ Lola is a pretty name ❤️ mine is Jess
@WinterAims jess is also a pretty name ❤❤ I tell everyone my name🤔 I'm not sure why! You didn't offend me ❤ I'm still freezing I haven't been able to warm up yet! How are you feeling? your probably asleep now ❤ I hope your warm and cosy ❤❤hugs you tightly ❤
@Tinywhisper11 I’m glad I didn’t offend you, I'm not doing too well at the moment, but Im working on it… I wasn’t sleeping, just sort of…. Thinking… i apologize if im late to respond throughout the week, also, I wrote you a poem, I’ll have to find it in my notes, but I wanted to share it with you…
@Tinywhisper11
Dear Lola, as the morning sun climbs high,
I think of you beneath the brightening sky.
Your gentle spirit, your heart so kind,
In the garden, solace you find.
Underneath the willow's gentle sway,
You sit with him, your love on display.
A cross nestled in the earth's embrace,
A sacred spot, a hallowed space.
I see you there, in the morning light,
Your presence a beacon, shining bright.
With each sunrise, a new day's start,
A testament to the strength of your heart.
Though words may falter, and tears may fall,
Know that you're not alone in it all.
For I am here, dear Lola, by your side,
In friendship's embrace, we'll together abide.
Through laughter and tears, through joy and pain,
In sunshine and storms, in loss and gain.
Together we'll walk this winding road,
As love and memories gently unfold.
So take my hand, let's face the day,
With hope and courage lighting our way.
For in the garden, 'neath the willow tree,
Love's eternal bond sets us free.
@WinterAims 😭😭😭 ❤❤ thankyou ❤❤ thankyou so very very much ❤ that was so sweet, thankyou ❤🙂
it's ok reply when you have the time, no pressure here ❤ I can tell in your poems your not doing well. I'm right here for you. You can vent, cry be mad as much as you want, this is your safe place. We are friends and I'll always listen and support you in any way I can ❤ gives you a giant tiny hug ❤❤
@Tinywhisper11 ❤️ Thank you Lola ❤️
tonight I was struggling with like…. This feeling of guilt, and it’s really brought me down, all night I’ve sort of just been wondering, how do I cope with guilt? Or past mistakes or decisions that I’ve made that caused me or someone else pain? I haven’t been able to get myself to write anything since it started weighing on me earlier. I’ve always struggled with guilt and shame, but usually I’m able to work through it, but the last few days i haven’t been able to get my mind off of it 😔 I’ll be fine once I get to work in a couple hours, work is a great distraction for me, it’s just when I’m alone I guess that it effects me the most….
Do you struggle with any thoughts or feelings of guilt? If so how do you cope with it?
@WinterAims guilt and shame, are the biggest issues I deal with. And I have no idea how to deal with them😥 what makes you feel guilt?
@Tinywhisper11 I know it's hard to say the reasons some time. But maybe we can help each other with this ❤
@Tinywhisper11 I’m sorry that it’s something you’re having issues with too 😥 I feel guilty about a lot of things really, I think the main one would be like, I feel as though I could have avoided any trauma if I had done a lot of things differently when I was younger, and it’s like, I know that because of how young I was and a number of other things, I know it’s not my fault that it happened, but that doesn’t change how I feel
I also feel guilt towards past/current habits that are unhealthy that may have caused me more issues, and sometimes I’ll just sort of disappear, no one will hear from me for a week or two and I’ll cause people to get really worried, I have a pretty bad habit of isolating myself from everything sometimes
I also feel a lot of guilt if like…. I feel like I let someone down, or if I feel like I’m letting everyone down
(I’m pretty tired so I’m not sure if my words are making sense right now 😅)
@WinterAims don't worry you make sense ❤ if your tired get some rest ok ❤
@Tinywhisper11 so yeah I have similar guilt, knowing what I do now, I often think if I had known and done this things may of been different.
also the things I let them do is just shameful, the things I did was shameful.
They killed my son and I had to watch, I was only 11 years old, but still I failed as a mother and wont ever forgive myself
@Tinywhisper11 guilt is incredibly hard to live with there are many more things I feel guilty about as I'm sure you do to. I hope oneday we can get over all this ❤ let ourselves heal. Hugs you tightly ❤
@Tinywhisper11 I’m sorry that you had to experience all of that at such a young age, I can understand why you’d feel such guilt ❤️ but at least we’re not alone in this, even if it does seem that way sometimes. I wish I could say something to change how you feel about it but as I’ve learned it’s never that simple.
I agree that guilt is extremely hard to live with, and I share the same hope of us one day working through these issues, until then all we can do is our best and let ourselves heal ❤️ *hugs* ❤️
I did end up getting some sleep though, a whole hour and a half this morning 😂 I know it’s not that good, but considering I stayed up all weekend I’d say I’ve made progress 😁 haha, jokes aside, I don’t want you to worry about that, I’ll try and get some sleep tonight, I’m sure it’ll happen one way or another, I’ll probably lay down for just a second and pass out lol
@WinterAims do you struggle with sleeping alot? My doctor gives me sleeping meds to take each night. Maybe you could get some to use when you need to. Sleeping pills are great, I can outsleep a sloth 😎😁 did you go to work today? How was your day?? Gives you a giant tiny hug ❤❤
@Tinywhisper11 Yeah I worked today and yesterday, and both days were pretty good, really nice outside today too ❤️ I used to have sleeping trouble a lot, now it’s sort of just random, started having trouble with it again a little before I started sharing my poems in the trauma community 😔 I guess that’s why I never got any sort of medication for it, I never really mentioned it during therapy, mostly because it wasn’t an issue around the time I was talking to her
once I am able to start putting money back into my savings I’ll try to get back into therapy *hugs* ❤️❤️
@WinterAims ohh! Are you not able to afford therapy?😞 that's sad, in the UK it's all free. You should come stay here with me ❤ yeah it's pretty warm here today, but raining lots and lots of rain. I'm no therapist but I can listen ❤
I could afford as session a week depending on what bills I had to pay and when, and I’m not sure if I mentioned this but kind of scared to go back to therapy I guess, so I sort of made a compromise with myself if that makes sense, I don’t really want to go to therapy but know it will be good for me, and I also need to save up for some things I want to do, and it’s difficult to balance a savings and pay for therapy, so the compromise is that when I’m able to start putting money back into my savings, I’ll start going back to therapy, and therapy doesn’t have to be every week if I feel like I need a longer break from it, but I want to at least go once a month once I start saving, start therapy again but start out slow and maybe work up to weekly sessions (I think I explained this too much lol, probably could’ve said all that in like 2 short sentences lol)
Its nice that it’s free in the UK though, I’m a little jealous 😅 I’d love to visit the UK sometime later on, there are lots of places I’d like to go see, but I don’t think I’d stay, I live in Tennessee and only for I think 6 years, but this is my home you know? Don’t think I’d be able to move out of state, let alone the country lol, it would be nice though, for like a vacation or something, but that goes back to me starting a savings lol 😂
im sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, I had the time to, I just…. I was just tired, had a lot on my mind you know? Still the guilt thing, but also like, idk… self worth I guess. But I’ve been trying to counter everything by taking better care of myself, I’ve been sleeping every night since Tuesday too, and I took a shower and did laundry, I know it doesn’t seem like much but I’m doing more than I have been. I feel like maybe if I work harder I’ll come to see that I’m a hard worker, and maybe I’ll feel like I’ve earned the things I have rather than thinking I don’t deserve them. Just want you to know that I’m trying my best, and if that doesn’t work then at least I have you to talk to, as well as a couple listeners. Everyone here is a big help! It’s good to know we’re not alone, and to know that there is always someone here to talk to, and I’m really happy that I’m able to talk to you an share what I’m going through ❤️ you’re always super understanding and supportive, I love that, as well as the hugs ❤️😁
sorry for the book I wrote 😅 I know I know, I talk too much lol. How are you doing though? I hope everything is going good for you, and I hope it’s quit raining over there, I like the rain but it’s always good to have the sun come out, it seems to brighten up my day sometimes. *hugs* ❤️
@Tinywhisper11 😮😮 I completely forgot to tag you in my last message lol, sorry 😬❤️
@WinterAims your good at remembering to tag me😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 it's ok like I said message me when and if you feel like it ❤ and I just want you to know, that you are the best version of you there could ever be ❤ and having a shower ,laundry sleeping, are huge achievements, when you suffer with depression, I'm proud of you ❤ and you live in tenesse😮😮😮 now I'm jealous, Dolly parton comes from tennesse, and cowboys😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍 it's still raining here, but warm ❤ I'm doing good, just sorting through my m&ms I throw away the brown ones cause I'm allergic to chocolate😎
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂haha! Only joking 😂😂
@Tinywhisper11 ❤️ thank you for saying that ❤️ and yeah dolly and cowboys come from here lol, but don’t forget the cowgirls! ❤️❤️ I’m glad you’re doing good Lola 😁 and I thought you were really allergic to chocolate reading through that 😂 m&ms sound good though, now I’m hungry 🤤
I’m feeling better tonight, I’m talking more, and talked to an old friend today, so I’m feeling good I think, or at least a lack of feeling bad, but that’s progress, I just have to remember to reach out when I’m struggling and not isolate myself, that’s when things get worse, space is good, but not isolation lol. I have good support though, you and a couple listeners, my moods definitely improved just by talking to you guys ❤️
Thank you ❤️
@WinterAims yaaay! That's great news I'm glad your slowly going in the right direction ❤❤ being allergic to chocolate would be horrifying😱especially with Easter coming. Do you celebrate easter?? Or at least eat chocolate eggs??
@Tinywhisper11 Hi Lola! Just wanted to check in and see how things were going ❤️ how was your weekend? Mine was alright, spent a lot of time at home focusing on things I needed, I had plans to go out with a friend to a lake but ended up canceling, just didn’t feel up to it I guess, but things are alright
Hope things are well and hope to hear from you *hugs* ❤️
@WinterAims awww it's ok there will be plenty of other times you can go to the lake ❤❤ I've had a really bad day yesterday, I've finally stopped crying, so I'm not very talkative right now, I'll be more talkative later ❤ hugs you tightly ❤
@Tinywhisper11
Hey Lola, it’s been a while since I’ve sent you anything, sorry about that, been at the hospital since around march I believe? It’s hard to tell though, the days have just been blending together for a while now lol, I hope you’re doing well and hope to maybe chat a little bit again if you’re interested, but I understand if you’re not feeling very social right now, that’s how I’ve been for a few months lol….
I was wanting to get into writing again and was having trouble writing anything due to lack of motivation, but maybe you could help me with that? Anyways, I apologize for disappearing and hope you’re doing alright, sorry to bother you 😕
❤️
@WinterAims hi jess ❤ gives you a giant welcome back tiny hug ❤ you've been in hospital😞 are you ok?? Your a great writer, it's always hard getting back into something you haven't done for a while. I've had a art block for months, but I have recently got back into it. Key is, be patient oneday a great idea will pop in your head, and your words will flow beautifully just like they always do ❤ how are you feeling now? And never be sorry, I understand we all have our own health issues, I'm here for you, when your ready to be here ❤ the weather has really warmed up here, so I've been outside watching the sunrise every morning 😁❤
@Tinywhisper11
im fine, it was my mom that was in the hospital…
Idk about being a “great” writer lol, I’d say beginner, wannabe really xD
im glad you were able to get back into art, always good to have something like that, art or writing.
right now I’m just feeling….. alone I guess, desperate for a friend yet at the same time I can’t help but isolate myself, makes no sense xD oh also bored, suuuuper bored lol the weather has really warmed up here too, it’s sooo hot here lol
@WinterAims how is your mum? *pulls worried face* lonliness is the worst thing, bless you 😥 how come your isolating yourself? Do you find it hard to socialise? Bored🤔🤔🤔🤔 you need to start writing again, maybe you should write a poem about summer ween. Yep! It's an actual thing😂😂 Halloween fans are now starting summerween😁
I'm guessing you've had a extremely stressful time theese past few months😢 I'm here for you if you need to vent ❤ sends you a big hugggg ❤
@WinterAims I know you isolate when your not doing well mentally, but do you socialise ok otherwise?
@Tinywhisper11 I think so yeah, it’s just times like now that I struggle to socialize, it’s just like…. It’s just exhausting, and I worry about the conversation too, it could go somewhere I don’t want it to and then what? I’ll just break down in front of everyone most likely, so it feels safe to avoid it….
My mom passed away last week on Friday unfortunately…. But I’m doing alright, better than I was anyway
@WinterAims 😞 I'm sorry about your mum, I know a bit about grieving, so I'm here if you wanna talk about that ❤ yeah socialising is hard work. This is the only place I socialise, all my friends are on cups ❤I'm in the middle of making a playlist, I have Amazon music, I love making playlists. I'm making a feel good wake up playlist😁 are you still working? I'm guessing they let you take some of work. How's things with your room mate?? Have you been sleeping a bit better lately
Thanks, and they told me if I needed time off work then I could take as much time as I needed, but I haven’t taken anytime off yet, and I moved back home when my mom was in the hospital, but yeah I have been sleeping better
@Tinywhisper11
@WinterAims hugs you tightly ❤ sometimes work and stuff helps you to keep going, a way to distract yourself. I'm always here for you.
@Tinywhisper11 thanks. I’m just not sure what to do…. I’ve always been the kind of person whose tried to support everyone else, and keep the family together, and now I’m in need of support from someone, but what kind of support can me or anyone else get right now that would help? I can hardly look at my dad or my grandpa because it’s all they talk about, and I don’t want to talk about it, I just want to be alone, but it’s like I’m forced to spend all my time around people whether they’re family friends or coworkers, and I hate being around people right now, but at the same time it’s like… I know I shouldn’t be alone, and when I am by myself I’m stuck thinking about it…. I just feel like I’m drowning you know?
I’m alone now but I feel so bad and I’m desperate for a friend, but that contradicts everything that I just said…. How do I open up to someone about everything? My dad tries everyday to get me to talk about it, but even if I do what can he do to help? He’s worse off than I am at the moment, he can listen to me but what will that do to him besides hurt him more? I’m just so lost right now….
@WinterAims it's not always easy to talk about it with our lives ones, cause like you said you don't want to upset anyone even more than they are. And grieving is never straight forward, needed your own space to think and just be, is important. Sometimes talking to people here can help. Cause you don't have to see their faces, their reactions. And sometimes that helps. Also writing poetry can help, I've also been writing poetry lately. It does really help. I posted one I came up with this morning on the trauma threads. Hugs you tightly ❤❤ everything will be ok ❤