Struggling with guilt attached to OCD intrusive thoughts
Hey everyone,
I've been dealing with Pure-O OCD since I was around 10 years old, but i've found that its actually gotten worse in these past two years. I'm currently in my last year of high school, having moved to a new school this year so I think that the stress caused by this might be contributing to it. I'm finding the guilt and shame caused by my intrusive thoughts at times overwhelming and debilitating and I'm not sure how to lesson this without continually reassuring myself that the obsessional/intrusive thoughts are not a reflection of myself, but are a misfiring in the brain/ just fear and anxiety. I find this cycle of constant self-doubt and rumination exhausting but I'm not sure how else to reduce the anxiety that I feel when these thoughts come up?
This guilt feels suffocating and I sometimes struggle to believe that I am truly a good person, despite logically knowing that they are a symptom of OCD. At times the guilt attached to these intrusive thoughts also makes me feel like I don't deserve happiness, peace or love. I find that I avoid situations that trigger these thoughts which I know ensures that the thoughts reoccur, but I feel that the anxiety I feel when I'm in triggering situations is too much to handle, and so I keep avoiding, ruminating and scouring the web in search of posts that reassure me that I am a good person.
I sometimes feel stuck in these thoughts as I find it really really hard to open up to anyone about them, including my psychologist. I feel like because they cause me so much guilt and distress, they would horrify anyone I opened up to and they would think of me differently. Sorry this comes across as a massive rant but I'm just feeling really alone and trapped in this, and not sure how to rid myself of this guilt. I know that opening up to my psychologist about these intrusive thoughts would be a good first thing to do, but I'm just so wrapped up in guilt and shame about them, I'm scared I never will have the courage to. Has anyone opened up about to someone about intrusive thoughts that cause them distress? and if so, do you have any advice about how to find the courage to do so?
@kindBranch5968
hey there kind,
so sorry to hear your struggles, ocd intrusive thoughts are something I wouldnt wish on my worst enemy. Your right in saying its not you, these intrusions are not a reflection of you but the opposite! These fears and thoughts are what your anxiety knows is against your values, and the most distressing because of this. Your psychologist is trained to be non judgmental and is likely to have heard a lot worse, but it really is up to you how much you tell them. remember they will always make helping you a priority. I remember first telling someone about my intrusive thoughts and I was convinced I would be taken to the nearest locked room! But instead I was told it was part of my anxiety.
the guilt and shame and terror is all what makes this odc, not you. Your very brave for reaching out to us here at 7cups.
@Treestar
about finding the courage, perhaps write down the scariest ones, or just type them down somewhere where you can delete it. Sometimes just writing some of them down is enough for you to see its just a thought, it doesnt have to go anywhere. When I went to the doctors or my phych Id often get flustered and forget, so Id take a note in describing the most important points. This doesnt have to be your most horrible thoughts written down but instead things that you struggle with most, like ‘Id like to talk about not being able to sleep or ‘how do I stop feeling so guilty
all the best x
@Treestar