HOCD or Denial?
I have been questioning my sexuality and whether or not I'm bisexual? I hate it. I have nothing against the lgbtq+ community, but the thought of me being anything other than straight disgusts me. Thoughts of kissing girls, being/dating a girl just keep popping up and it gives me anxiety and fears. I have never questioned my sexuality before. I was never attracted to girls. I look at girls with admiration, envies, and more, but never date or kiss them. But recently, it keeps popping in my head. I hate it so much! Almost enough to rather die than be anything but heterosexual. Does anyone know about this or experienced this before? Am I just being in denial? I honestly cannot live with the thoughts of being bisexual? Please help!
@bangtuyet, to clarify is it that you are thinking about how you are bi or that you can't stand the idea of being that way?
@wonderfulRainbow817 I can't stand being that way. I'm sorry! I support the community and all but I don't want to be a part of it.
@bangtuyet, you have nothing to be sorry for. You have a right to have your own opinions and beliefs. Some will agree with you and some will not. Either way we are here to support you and your decisions.
@bangtuyet
Hello, sorry for being late. I just read your post.
Having thoughts of datin people of your same sex may be a sign of many things, one of those things could be (like you fear) that you are secretly wanting to date them. In those cases it should be normal to feel desire, lust, and curiosity. Maybe also fear of what society, friends of family would think of you. Maybe some conflict with inner values about what relations should be, specially in those people who are very clear about what is correct or incorrect.
What you say in your post is that you are not feeling that, but fear, anxiety and disgust. This is more like inside of you, some of your core values or believes (or an important part of your self) would suffer if you happen to date a girl. I have no idea of what it is, but you can try something to clarify yourself:
a) Think in the future, you are an old lady now. At your side it is your parthner in life, your loved one. This person has supported and loved you.
- How would you feel if that person was a lady?
- How would you feel if that person was a men?
b) You have a long walk with your loved one, and there comes your son. Your loved son who you are so proud of. He comes with his loved one, they have just married.
- How would you feel if your son's loved one was a men?
- How would you feel if your son's loved one was a woman?
Sometimes this kind of "lets imagine things" exercices helps to clarify your feelings and thoughts about certain things. Our mind can be used to simulate alternative futures and explore them to find answers. Not sure if it helps you, hope so.
Hugs. 😊
@Meandros
Hello!
First, I just want to say, thank you so much! Thank you so much for taking the time to read and reply to my post! I can't express enough gratitude.
I was just left mid-conversation by a listener when we were talking about this and I was trembling and crying and I saw your reply. They told me it seems like I am bi-romantic and hetero-sexual. I am still trembling right now. I don't know how to process this. I don't know how to accept that I am in denial, that I don't have HOCD.
I can imagine that the lady and I are in a relationship, but I see it as more friendship or platonically relationship. And then being with the man just seem "basic". That might be because of how worked up I am because of the conversation.
I would much rather my son's loved one be a woman, and it was the first thought that came into my mind but I knew it was going to ask about women and men.
People say I should follow my heart or accept what I feel deep inside and stuff but I don't know how I feel deep inside. And having a dirty mind with a very, strangely good imagination makes it even worse.
Again, thank you so much for your reply! After many conversations, I thought no one would care that much to reply to my post at all.
@bangtuyet hi how are you I can’t almost grantee you that I’m dealing with the EXACT SAME THING AND FEELING THE SAME EXACT WAY AS YOU which is so scary to me if you want we can talk on a chat about this issue more I would love to talk about itÂ