a little rant

hi to whoever is kind enough to read this thread.

i’ve been dealing with my ocd for over 3 years now. it started bc of this stupid cooking class i took which led me to my lovely friends tina (contamination ocd). don’t laugh bc i named it… life gets hard i put humour to help. anyways, since then i haven’t been myself. i’ve lost friends, had breakups and even got told the wonderful news that my ex and my best friend are dating. i want to tell myself that if they are happy i am happy but i can’t it’s not right. what happened to girl code? keep in mind me and my ex were dating almost 5 years. to be fair, i wasn’t the best gf to him or at least i saw it that way. it could of been my depression that kicked in later from my ocd. i never enjoyed anything but he kept trying and loving me. i ended up breaking up with him to focus on me and i said some poorly things to him such as i wanted to explore other ppl bc i’ve been feeling like im stuck in this continuous cycle and bubble with my ocd/depression and the fact that i might acc like girls too. i hooked up with some guy after the breakup which i deeply regret. but lots was on my mind and i lead him on the last bits of our relationship. i feel terrible that i did. i do miss him a lot bc he was my best friend and he knew me so well when i felt like i was a ghost to myself.

anyways i know this isn’t anything related to my ocd. but it definitely has an impact on my life. should i even be worried about them two dating? i can’t shake the feeling that me wanting to do something for ME for once is so much worse than my best friend and ex hooking up and eventually dating.