I think I may have species dysphoria/dysmorphia
I guess the best discription for how I feel would be Species Dysphoria. I feel like I was born in the wrong species body. I dispise being human. I was never meant to be a person and I don't know how to deal with it anymore. I identify as canine, I've always identified as canine ever since I was 3-4,at least as long as I've been forming memories. I hate being what I am. I lack animality and it's so frustrating, people expect me to behave just like every other normal human and ridicule me when I fail to do so.
An analogy of how it feels to be me is I feel like if you took a regular everyday motorcycle rider and put them in the cockpit of a Boing 747 and just expect them to take off and fly a round world trip. I'm just a canine and everyone expects me to behave like a weird, fat, hairless, flat faced monkey. I'm trying my best to be like everyone else but I'm not and I can't understand why that isn't ok too.
I wish my body was a little more canine and a little less primate. I feel so out of place and it feels like no one gives a heck that I feel this way. What if I snap one day and go berserk or what if it develops into Clynical Lycanthropy and I bite someone's throat out? Will people care then? Probably not. And the worst thing is I have absolutely no income, I should probably be seeing a trained professional for this among other worrying things but I can't even afford a Netflix subscription let alone go and see an expensive psychologist so I'm just stuck in this perfetual loop of hating myself and being scared of losing my mind
@midnight1wolfie
Hi--that makes sense. You've identified as canine for as long as you can remember. And it's felt really uncomfortable having a body that doesn't match the way you see yourself, being expected to perform behaviors that feel like they don't fit, and being subject to judgments if you try to deviate from that. (Your analogy makes sense, like, isn't it unfair for people to expect a motorcycle to fly as if it were an airplane?)
You wish it were okay to move toward what you want to be. And you feel like if you keep burying it, then maybe something might snap at some point and you might go into full-blown wolf mode and oops there goes someone's neck. 😊
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I don't have a lot of familiarity with species dysphoria and I haven't experienced it myself, but I tried doing some research and it looks like there are online communities and resources dedicated to this kind of experience. One keyword that came up pretty often when I was looking was "therianthropy".
https://www.kinmunity.com/articles/whats-therianthropy.17/
https://en.wikifur.com/wiki/Therianthropy
A thought crosses my mind that maybe resources on gender dysphoria might be relevant. The specifics are different, but a lot of the general themes and experiences might be similar at an abstract level (i.e. "My body doesn't match my intrinsic identity"). And I imagine that resources for transgender issues might be pretty plentiful as well as affirming/validating.
https://www.wikihow.com/Cope-With-Gender-Dysphoria
What are some of the things that feel appealing about being a canine? Maybe if you can identify what some of those things are that you really like about imagining yourself as a canine, it might be possible to identify some activities or adjustments that would allow you to express some of those tendencies and manifest that aspect of yourself more freely. How far you're willing to take that might depend on whether you're able to find spaces where it feels safe/comfortable to be those things.
If you're looking for someone to talk with, feel free to schedule a chat with me.
I wish I could make an appointment but unfortunately our timelines mean that you are available from 2am to 4:30am in my time zone... I think that is a bit out of my reach as I usually fall asleep at around 1-1:30am but you definitely grasp the way I feel. Thank you for the wonderful reply.
@midnight1wolfie
Yeah, sorry about the time zone difference. Hope you're able to find someone else you're able to chat with live. And you're welcome to send offline messages if you'd like.