Boundaries

I did it, I actually did it. A couple days ago my sister gave me this book to read called The Mountain Is You. A book about self-sabotage and I didn't want to read it at first but she insisted so I did. And it was a good book, quite insightful. Made me realize I wasn't really being honest with myself or with those around me. So, before I lost my nerve I sat down and had an honest discussion with my parents about responsibility, boundaries and the overall dynamic of the household.

Which was very scary for me to be honest, because their reactions to honesty in the past were not very positive, but I stuck to my guns. Was shaking the whole time but I powered through and did my best to get my points across. That I was overwhelmed by the workload they always tend to throw on me. The stress of basically parenting everyone and the toll of being emotionally responsible for everyone but myself. Both responded quite positively and said they'd make changes. While I don't know if that's true just yet I'm willing to give them the benefit of the doubt this time. 

The most important part here is that I declared my boundaries, and am going to in the best of my ability keep it up. Just last week I was breaking down because of the work I had to do. Falling behind in my classes, trying to juggle all these extra programs I got signed up for and making sure my siblings had food on the table. I was nearing my limit and ready for a complete shut-down. Which is why my sister suggested the book in the first place. I always refused to ask for help or even complain because it was always met with this is life. Life isn't easy, so just keep quiet and keep pushing. Until you can't and at the time I couldn't. Saying no has always been hard for me, and it always seemed easier to roll over and say yes to avoid conflict but it would always leave me half-dead and emotionally drained in the end. 

Today marks the day I put myself first. That I take care of my mental health and prioritize my sanity. I am terrified of what's coming next but also equally excited for this new chapter.