Long term practice anxiety

My meditation journey has been so complicated. For years I practiced all the time. Went on retreats. And my anxieties and worries faded away.

At one point, however, I developed a severe panic disorder. And in therapy I realized it had to do with my meditation practice.

But it was likely that I was in a situation where the practice was a project. There was a pressure to keep advancing to the next level.

Now my relationship with meditation is fraught. I subconsciously resist having a regular practice of any sort. Even the simple mindfulness that was so helpful to me.

Trying to be gentle with myself. Using a habit streak tracker. Watching the gaps widen and eventually doing some more practice. Sometimes trying one of the more complicated practices I used to enjoy doing.

But nothing will stick.

I’m grateful though — since I stopped pushing myself to do a ton of meditation all the time my panic disorder has subsided.

I suppose time will tell — maybe the big lesson I was supposed to learn from this journey is gentleness. Even in the pursuit of calm.