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calmabiding
64 M Embraced
PathStep 4 Compassion hearts9 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes4 Current upvotes4 Age GroupAdult Last activeApril, 2023 Member sinceMarch 14, 2023
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Long term practice anxiety
Mindfulness Center / by calmabiding
Last post
 March 14th, 2023
...See more My meditation journey has been so complicated. For years I practiced all the time. Went on retreats. And my anxieties and worries faded away. At one point, however, I developed a severe panic disorder. And in therapy I realized it had to do with my meditation practice. But it was likely that I was in a situation where the practice was a project. There was a pressure to keep advancing to the next level. Now my relationship with meditation is fraught. I subconsciously resist having a regular practice of any sort. Even the simple mindfulness that was so helpful to me. Trying to be gentle with myself. Using a habit streak tracker. Watching the gaps widen and eventually doing some more practice. Sometimes trying one of the more complicated practices I used to enjoy doing. But nothing will stick. I’m grateful though — since I stopped pushing myself to do a ton of meditation all the time my panic disorder has subsided. I suppose time will tell — maybe the big lesson I was supposed to learn from this journey is gentleness. Even in the pursuit of calm.
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