Avoiding self-blame

Loving oneself is often emphasized in self-care. But what exactly is the reason self-love works?

We should love ourselves, but it's also important to be fair to ourselves. We should make sure that we don't judge ourselves unfairly with severe criticism.

It's alright to aim for betterment, but it's a whole different story if we are needlessly criticizing ourselves to the point of being destructively unfair.

Let's differentiate between auditing our own actions as to not being harmful to others, and unfair self-criticism that's destructive and hampering for our self-care.

For example:

"I might have judged her wrong in her intentions, next time I should be more careful to observe people's intentions more objectively." -> this is a good example of constructive self-audition.

"I'm such a dolt! I can't even speak to people properly! What a nuisance I must be for others!" -> this is a good example of destructive, unfair self-criticism.

Unfair self-criticism is usually the result of counter-factual thought patterns that come with anxiety or stress that weren't dealt with.

So how do we avoid self-blame and unfair self-criticism?

Be a good friend to yourself: Being a good friend to ourselves is a good step in battling unfair self-criticism.

Constantly criticizing ourselves unfairly is same as having a friend who judges everything we do, blaming us even in situations where we are not to blame; but the difference is we can't get away from this friend, because it's us.

Let's treat ourselves like a good friend who always supports us and backs us up, no matter what.

Example: "I know I can do great things, I have complete faith in myself!"

Younger version of yourself: Imagine yourself as a younger version of yourself. Would you judge that young person so harshly if they had made a mistake? Remember that in the eyes of those who care, you are not judged for your mistakes.

Example: "I know things are not looking bright right now, but in the long run it will be alright."

Other's standards: People often fallaciously believe that everyone else is perfect and they are all critical towards them, forgetting that other people probably think the same.

This results with us judging ourselves harsher than how we judge others. What we wouldn't judge others with if they were like us, we judge ourselves with it.

Why hold ourselves to an impossible standard that we don't hold others to? It's important to be fair to people, including yourself.

Example: "If I saw someone else like me, would I judge that person? Definitely not, I'd try to be empathetic and caring towards them. I am also a person so I should be caring towards myself as well."

Being kind to others who are being kind to you: Sometimes personal clashes might be unavoidable with others, but what about those who are already kind to us? By being kind to them, we can teach our minds to be kind towards good people, which in turn will count us as one of the good people and be more easy on ourselves.

Example: "That person is so much like me! I feel so positively towards them, so in turn I should be positive to myself as well."

Avoid self-blame: When met with an obstacle, human mind automatically looks for someone to blame. People often blame themselves in these situations.

We should understand that Instead of looking to cast blame, we should focus on finding a solution out of the situation.

Example: "What happened was not my fault, things were not under my control. I should focus on hampering the negative effects this situation had on me, and not try to blame myself."

Self-love: Self-love is also a good pathway towards being fair to oneself. Even though these are different things, they often go together perfectly.

Example: "I'm a good person who deserves good things. Being treated fairly is a good thing, so I should not be judgemental towards myself."

Please remember to be fair to yourself and not judge yourself unnecessarily. Self-blame gives us more emotional exhaustion, and in turn, cause us even more anxiety or stress than what caused the self-blame in the first place. It's important to stay away from unfair self-criticism as much as possible.