What am I?

Hey everyone,

Sam here.... and this is my story:

I just turned 45 a few days ago and for some reason finally decided to get some answers to my questions. "Officially", I am straight, but for decades now (obviously in secret), I've been looking at men. Now, when I'm sober, I am better at ignoring it, but after a few drinks, I really start checking men out.

To give you a bit of my background: I was never the popular kid in school, more of a computer geek, with a few friends, but was always jealous of couples (boy/girl), because I always wanted to have a girlfriend, but it never worked out. I certainly was shy and therefore never asked any girls out. I did finally have my first girlfriend when I was 20, but that relationship lasted a few weeks and then we broke it off. She was the one who engaged me, but it was a relationship doomed from the beginning. Later on I tried a few times with online dating websites, but also those did not work out for me. Part of it has to do with my social anxiety, which I finally start to understand (quick side note: I found an audiobook of "How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety" by Ellen Hendriksen, PhD. This book could have been written about me... it so good to be able to call the "thing" that you holds you back by a name, and hopefully also fight it....) but I digress.

I don't even remember when I started looking at men, but I think it might have started out of curiosity. I was always wondering what other men did or had to be able to get women that I did not have. I think at some point jealousy turned into admiration for what their bodies looked like.

So we established that I like looking at men, sometimes even fantasizing about getting physically involved, but at the same time if I think about getting into a relationship with another man, I just can't picture that. I could picture being in a relationship with a woman, but I gave up on that idea a long time ago, because there's only so many times you can get turned down when you already suffer from social anxiety. Also, when I'm thinking of going to a gay bar, it just feels wrong to me. I know it is not wrong, and I can go to any bar that I please, but something inside me just holds me back. Since I don't usually frequent bars by myself due to my social anxiety, part of me not being able to just go to a gay bar is due to that, but I know there's more to it.

I do have a group of people that we go vacationing with, and one of them is gay. When we're traveling as a group, he always drags us to gay bars and I do enjoy going there....I always use him as an excuse to go. I should mention that nobody (well, except now you, dear friend) knows of what's going on inside me.

So to sum up: I like men, when I had a few drinks, I even start checking them out, but at the same time, I can't see myself in a relationship with a man. I have something inside me that is holding me back when going to any gay bar/restaurant/etc.

So I don't know what to do with all of this. Am I gay? Am I bi? How do I find out? I hate to beat a dead horse, but my social anxiety currently prevents me from just hooking up with someone to find out, yet I still would like to get some clarification.

Wow - you made it! Thanks for sticking around to read it to the very end. It feels good to be able to share and hopefully get some insight and other opinions. So what's your take? I'd appreciate some feedback and advise. THANKS!