Gender sucks

I think I might be a boy but I’m too scared to do anything about it. I would be accepted I think but I have no agency so I never tell people what I am, I let people decide that for me. I don’t want to say anything about myself because what if I’m wrong and end up embarrassing myself? Lately though it’s been bugging me so much. 

Friends have been calling me gay for my attraction to women but I don’t feel like a girl so I don’t feel like I’m gay, I try to show my discomfort and I’ve even said it’s not gay because I’m a man to them but they think it’s a joke and I’m too scared to say that i don’t think it is. 

People already know my gender isn’t normal but rlly only through my expression. I’ve gone by a certain set of pronouns for 4 years now but few actually address me by the correct ones and I’m too embarrassed to correct them. 

I’ve been feeling what I can only assume is dysphoria lately, I have a look in my head that I want but I could never achieve. The few in my life who have sorta caught on have suggested stuff like testosterone but there are too many effects I don’t like about it that would make me more uncomfortable in my body. I want a boy voice and I want facial hair but everything else I really do not want. It would also solidify it and I would have to tell people but I just don’t want to. 

I hate being perceived but if I must I wish people would perceive me as a boy. I’ve been told I have a very androgynous face and I definitely do, add a mustache and I look like a boy, but I look really young for my age which makes anyone look a bit more girlish. My body is also so so so feminine and I hate it. No matter how I dress I’ll always look like a girl wearing boy clothes. I also hate it because I’m a goth and I want to keep my makeup and clothes the same but I wish I could be seen as a boy doing that makeup and wearing those clothes. 

if I am right then I’m not like fully a boy but I am probably mostly one. It would make sense, there were signs, but i just hate it. Even if it would make me happier to transition and come out it won’t be better than the embarrassment and shame and painful conversations i would have. I just hate the idea of not being cis like I know it’s not a bad thing but it’s just so difficult. So instead I’ll just joke about it and wish people magically knew.