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courteousOcean9942
1 470 M Embraced 4
PathStep 12 Compassion hearts57 Forum posts16 Forum upvotes34 Current upvotes34 Age GroupAdult Last activeNovember, 2024 Member sinceNovember 16, 2023
Recent forum posts
Gender sucks
LGBTQ+ / MOGII Support / by courteousOcean9942
Last post
 October 26th
...See more I think I might be a boy but I’m too scared to do anything about it. I would be accepted I think but I have no agency so I never tell people what I am, I let people decide that for me. I don’t want to say anything about myself because what if I’m wrong and end up embarrassing myself? Lately though it’s been bugging me so much.  Friends have been calling me gay for my attraction to women but I don’t feel like a girl so I don’t feel like I’m gay, I try to show my discomfort and I’ve even said it’s not gay because I’m a man to them but they think it’s a joke and I’m too scared to say that i don’t think it is.  People already know my gender isn’t normal but rlly only through my expression. I’ve gone by a certain set of pronouns for 4 years now but few actually address me by the correct ones and I’m too embarrassed to correct them.  I’ve been feeling what I can only assume is dysphoria lately, I have a look in my head that I want but I could never achieve. The few in my life who have sorta caught on have suggested stuff like testosterone but there are too many effects I don’t like about it that would make me more uncomfortable in my body. I want a boy voice and I want facial hair but everything else I really do not want. It would also solidify it and I would have to tell people but I just don’t want to.  I hate being perceived but if I must I wish people would perceive me as a boy. I’ve been told I have a very androgynous face and I definitely do, add a mustache and I look like a boy, but I look really young for my age which makes anyone look a bit more girlish. My body is also so so so feminine and I hate it. No matter how I dress I’ll always look like a girl wearing boy clothes. I also hate it because I’m a goth and I want to keep my makeup and clothes the same but I wish I could be seen as a boy doing that makeup and wearing those clothes.  if I am right then I’m not like fully a boy but I am probably mostly one. It would make sense, there were signs, but i just hate it. Even if it would make me happier to transition and come out it won’t be better than the embarrassment and shame and painful conversations i would have. I just hate the idea of not being cis like I know it’s not a bad thing but it’s just so difficult. So instead I’ll just joke about it and wish people magically knew. 
I convince myself I’m a horrible person
Anxiety Support / by courteousOcean9942
Last post
 June 26th
...See more I’m not the best person and I’m able to admit that, I’m in therapy working on it as well, however lately my anxious episodes have consisted of me convincing myself I’m a genuinely evil person who has done genuinely evil things. I haven’t, but what if I have and just didn’t realize? That sort of mindset. It’s so scary because the guilt I feel is so real so it’s hard to tell what’s real and what’s not sometimes. It’s just so scary and stressful and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how or why this even started but it's been terrible. 
Pressure from family
Family & Caregivers / by courteousOcean9942
Last post
 July 23rd
...See more My older sister has a lot of mental health problems and my parents blame me for all of her issues. It’s terrible, they outright tell me it’s my fault she is depressed and it’s my fault she has no friends. She’s really mean to me so I don’t like her, I know I could be nicer but being told it’s my fault if she harms herself has taken a huge toll on me. I’ve also been told that any other issues in the family that exist are my fault as well. I’m just a kid, this is so much to carry constantly.  I don’t want to live at home anymore, I can’t be responsible for my families issues, but I will never be financially stable enough to leave. I’m stuck. I can’t talk to them about it because when I say “you can’t blame me for her problems,” they say “yes we can, it’s your fault.” So basically there’s no hope.  
Idk what to do
LGBTQ+ / MOGII Support / by courteousOcean9942
Last post
 May 20th
...See more This is embarrassing for me to write but it’s eating me away. I’m comfortable with my gender identity but not with my expression. Sometimes I want to transition or something but I’m too scared to. I’m scared that I’m wrong and I’m scared of telling anyone. I know people would accept me but it’s such an uncomfortable and embarrassing topic. I know exactly what I want but I’m just so scared I’m wrong. I like being the way I am some days but not so much on others, part of my identity I guess. I just don’t know what to do. I can’t ever be honest because I don’t know if I really am or if it’s all in my head.
Starting therapy soon, any tips?
Depression Support / by courteousOcean9942
Last post
 March 10th
...See more I’m pretty sure I have depression and anxiety and lately a lot has been going wrong in my life and I’m just now able to get a therapist. I want to become a better person through therapy, but I don’t know where to start. I hate talking to strangers so I’m very nervous, I also just have no clue how therapy works so any advice would be greatly appreciated. 
Will I get better
Depression Support / by courteousOcean9942
Last post
 February 1st
...See more This is probably stupid but I’ve lately come to terms with some toxic behavior I’ve exhibited. I’ve had horrible falling outs with people and I only recently realized what I was doing wrong. I was being mean, insensitive, manipulative, and more. In general it was a bunch of really self destructive behavior. I know it’s insane to say I didn’t realize what I was doing wrong but to put it simply, I’m very much a product of how I was raised. I’ve been acting just like a few negative influences in my life and I had no clue they were bad influences and were treating me bad because I had just accepted it as normal. Well now that I’ve had people point out to me everything, I want nothing more than to become a better person. Now that I know what I’ve done wrong I know what to work on, I’m even trying to get professional help for it all. However, I keep seeing people talk about how people never change and no one is deserving of redemption. I’ve seen tons of posts saying that no one changes and everyone who has done wrong deserves to suffer for the rest of their life. I feel so horrible and now I feel like I can’t get better. 
Parents divorce affecting holidays
Family & Caregivers / by courteousOcean9942
Last post
 April 28th
...See more My parents recently split up and now that the holiday season is starting it’s beginning to affect things big time. This is my first time having to choose who I want to spend the holidays with and I just don’t want to choose. I hate the idea of spending the holidays without one of my parents, I’d rather just not celebrate at all. No matter what I pick one of them will be upset and I don’t want to cause any trouble. I just don’t know what to do. :(
My best friend is dating someone who isn’t nice
Relationship Stress / by courteousOcean9942
Last post
 November 18th, 2023
...See more The title of the thread says it all. My best friend is dating someone who isn’t nice to me or our other friends and I feel like he’s becoming distant because of it. I can’t tell my friend this nor ask him about it because I don’t want him to get mad or for his girlfriend to find any reason to dislike me. This is just so stressful. Everyone I’ve asked about it keep saying she’s just not nice to me because she’s jealous of how close me and my friend are but that’s just completely dismissing my feelings because I’m not a competitor at all and making me sound like I am one just sucks like??? She also was never nice to me even before they started dating so?? I just really need some advice this really sucks ☹️
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