I am certain I will never be happy again, I feel robbed

I spent the past years avoiding life by chasing career goals because I felt devalued and discarded by my past partner I was dating. I got the idea that I am not good enough and that I need to become stronger and more independent. I reflected a lot on what happened and I am pretty sure I will never find someone that cherishes me the way I cherished them.

My ex made fun of me for being myself, for being a woman, for not leading like a man and for hesitating to sleep with her. My trust was broken by my first love who turned her back on me and slept with guys to make me jealous. These people have no shame for what they did, I felt ashamed instead. I felt like I don't deserve to be loved unless I am perfect, and let me tell you, I am never feeling satisfied or happy with myself no matter what I pursue or achieve, I just end up taking too much on, burning myself out and neglecting myself.

I also felt very hurt and decided to stay single for years because I feared I will hurt someone due to my bitterness. Not only this, but my parents are homophobes and my father dismisses me and my pain. I opened up to him this week about how I have been feeling and bottling up all this time and he just walked away from me and then he mentioned he knew I had sex with my friend that summer. That was just embarrassing so I shut up.

I am alone in all of this and it sucks, I can't pretend I am strong and good anymore, I know none of this is fine, I don't know what to do, how to make meaningful friendships or date women...