I am certain I will never be happy again, I feel robbed
I spent the past years avoiding life by chasing career goals because I felt devalued and discarded by my past partner I was dating. I got the idea that I am not good enough and that I need to become stronger and more independent. I reflected a lot on what happened and I am pretty sure I will never find someone that cherishes me the way I cherished them.
My ex made fun of me for being myself, for being a woman, for not leading like a man and for hesitating to sleep with her. My trust was broken by my first love who turned her back on me and slept with guys to make me jealous. These people have no shame for what they did, I felt ashamed instead. I felt like I don't deserve to be loved unless I am perfect, and let me tell you, I am never feeling satisfied or happy with myself no matter what I pursue or achieve, I just end up taking too much on, burning myself out and neglecting myself.
I also felt very hurt and decided to stay single for years because I feared I will hurt someone due to my bitterness. Not only this, but my parents are homophobes and my father dismisses me and my pain. I opened up to him this week about how I have been feeling and bottling up all this time and he just walked away from me and then he mentioned he knew I had sex with my friend that summer. That was just embarrassing so I shut up.
I am alone in all of this and it sucks, I can't pretend I am strong and good anymore, I know none of this is fine, I don't know what to do, how to make meaningful friendships or date women...
@TrueRedRose96
Hello, I feel that after reading your post I could feel the pain in your words. I am so sorry about the betrayals you have experience and Yes that causes Trust issues. Not being heard by your father must have hurt to. It is very understandable why you feel so down hearted. People are hard to analyze or predict. However, you can't just give up, nor-conform to the negative self-talk. What I am saying don't be so hard on yourself. Often because life beats us down and nothing goes our way, we lose our focus and our will to expect change will ever happen for us.. nothing stays the same my friend, Just as the Sun Rises and then the rain comes. It took courage to write this and I hear Strength and Pain in your words. I believe you can win this battle. You are here to gain back what you think you have lost. You are not walking my your self, we at 7cups walk with you and support you along your journey. Keep reaching out, keep talking about how you feel, it is going to get better.even if you don't gain a partner right now you will gain yourself back. Good luck
