How do you do it?

I have come out to my mother four times over the span of my life. I havent dated anyone so I think she must think its a phase for me. I dont want to talk about the crushes Ive had because thats my business, but because I havent talked about them, I think she thinks that I must be straight and confused. My family is accepting - they arent homophobic in anyway, but they just dont get it. They dont get the fear I had growing up. They dont get the paranoia I feel in every social situation. I feel like the black sheep of the family, even though they try their best to be there for me. I feel uncomfortable talking about my identity with straight people. I have been outed enough and called a dyke enough to learn that I should keep my distance. I cant be vulnerable. I cant let other people in. But LGBT people Ive known can. How? I feel so alone. I feel like Ill never truly be understood by my family and friends. I feel like an alien. How do you do it? How do you get other people to understand? How do you open yourself up? How do you know youll be safe in a given situation? How do you be happy? How do you feel safe? Its not like I live in the most conservative place in the world but I still feel like Im under scrutiny all the time. What do I do? What have you done?