Am I happy in my relationship?
Hello everyone!
My name is Alex, I'm 21 years old and I'm a bit confused.
I was in a relationship from July 2019 until September 2020. My first serious relationship. The first person I ever loved. We made great memories together. I really thought we would spend the rest of our lives together and so did she. We experienced something amazing. We never fought, we always respected and loved each other and we were always honest. It was a relationship based on love and trust. Even our breakup was nice. We didn't even fight then. She was going abroad for work, I still had to finish my studies and she couldn't ask me to leave everything and follow her. She knew I was doing something I loved and didn't want to take it away from me. But, we both knew that long distance wouldn't work. So we broke up. We continued talking for a while, but we stopped around January 2020. We haven't talked since. She's moved on, she seems happy and I'm happy about that.
I've also moved on, I'm not even really thinking about her anymore. It took me a long time to even talk to other girls after we broke up (8 months). And the 6-month lockdown we had didn't help with that. When lockdown ended, in May, I started talking to girls, going out on dates, having fun... I didn't want anything serious. I wasn't ready for a relationship, I just wanted to have fun and explore new things with new people. I went out with many different girls, had some one night stands, some "friends with benefits" situations (more like just benefits, not even friends). And I really was having fun. But I missed the feeling of being in an exclusive relationship. I missed it like hell.
Sooo... there was this girl that me and another friend were hanging out with, and I liked her from the beginning. But I knew she was straight so I didn't get my hopes up. She recently came out to us as bisexual, though. And also admitted she liked me. So we talked. And we both are the relationship type. And I could never have anything but exclusive with her, and neither could she. So we did go on a couple of dates... thought it was going to be weird because we were friends, but it all felt natural.
So we ended up being in a relationship. We've been in this relationship for two weeks now. I know it's still early on, but I'm not sure I'm feeling whatever I'm supposed to be feeling. I understand that every relationship is different... but... it was never like that with my ex. We were crazy about each other from the moment we started talking to the moment we broke up. It was a relationship full of passion and "can't keep our hands off each other" kind of thing. I hate comparing two completely different people.. but I can't help but wonder... Will I always feel like this? Was what I had with my ex so strong that nothing and no one will ever top that or even come close to what we had? Will I never fall head over heels for someone ever again? I'm not thinking about my ex, I don't want her back, I'm completely over her and I know it. I don't miss her. I miss what we had. And I want to have that with my girlfriend... but can I?
Should I break up with her? Should I try to make this relationship work? I care about her a lot and I really like her... and she shows me that she REALLY likes me too. She's super sweet and cute and romantic and everything I've ever wanted from a girlfriend. Everyone that knows us says we're perfect together and that they wanted us to become a couple since forever. And they're right. We are great together. We are having fun. We do like each other... But I'm not feeling this *something* that would make my heart skip a beat every time I think about her. I felt that immediately with my ex... never felt it before, never felt it since. Is it something that can be built with time? Or is it something that is just there from the start?
To anyone who took the time to read this... Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Really looking forward to reading any replies!
I know what you are feeling, because I've lived a situation similar.
I think that you worth to be happy! You have known the real love in your heart, mind, body and soul. So don't stop to looking for this. You are so young, real love will return again in your life. Yes, it's hard to find, it's very precious. But you don't have to be satisfied with something thant don' fill you completely.
Real love is for courageous people. Don't close your heart, don't be scared from lonliness... Real Love will come to you again!
Your first relationship was prob a combo of infatuation/lust/loyalty but your current gf doesn't ignite the flames for you bc she is average prob in looks or personality. Do you want someone average ? That is something you have to decide.
I think your past relationship is a great point of reference. You learned that you absolutely want respect , passion , communication , excitement , loyalty and so much more through your first relationship. I can see why your new relationship is something you want to see flourish like your original one . I think it’s important to focus on your “must haves” that your relationship must meet. So find out what you absolutely want in your relationships with people and ask yourself if she meets your top 3 needs . If she does, move forward with her . Everyone brings something unique to the table :) I am sure you will enjoy getting to know her and exploring new feelings with her . If you feel safe and confident with her and it’s a healthy relationship, it’s worth exploring.
Do you want my honest opinion? I am older than you and have a more mature outlook on life. I think dumping your partner just cause you don't get the 'feels' is low. People are not put in this world to entertain your whims and it's too early to decide that. I am ashamed of the people in this thread encouraging you to dump her. I feel bad for her if you did
Another point I forgot to mention yesterday is that you are damaging your ability to feel the spark aka bond by speeping with several people. There is a study done on relationship or marriage satisfaction according to number of sexual partners. For women it tends to decline steeply after the first or second sexual partner. Source: go look it up.
Ive had this exact same experience.
I met my first girlfriend when I was 17. It was exhilarating, and everything about her kept me interested for four years. Even if it felt perfect, the relationship was toxic. We broke up right after college.
I am 24 now. And I am in the healthiest relationship that Ive ever been in. With the kindest and most beautiful girl Ive ever met. But I still have that feeling that something is missing in the relationship.
But then I realized that I was just being discontent.
I think maybe thats why we (I meant you and I) had all these exciting feelings with our first love, because thats what it was - our first love. The feelings we had were new and full and exciting.
But as we grow older, relationships become different. They dont always feel like fire. Sometimes its just a small but steady flame... that sometimes creates sparks. But it doesnt mean we love less. When we grow, our perceptions change, and how we love changes too. Maintaining relationships become more of a conscious decision. You enter a relationship and you commit, but you also need to work at it (assuming that youre in a healthy one).
I hope this gives a little insight.
Remember what you deserve when it comes to love, and dont forget to check in on yourself in the relationship. It doesnt always have to be about your partner. You have needs too!
Goodluck 🥰
