Trigger warning - depression / suicide : Dismorphia and being a marginalised CIS in a LGBTQIA+/MOGII space ?

Trigger warning - depression / suicide

Hi - call me Harmless or 42

Dismorphia and being a marginalised CIS in a LGBTQIA+/MOGII space ... ... ...

I am a CIS woman with many health issues , biological sex concerns/curiosity about my internal body , and one of my health issues is PCOS ( relates to ovaries )

I am straight and I am NOT bi-curious ... although I treat women the same as I do men , so if a woman tries to kiss me and I'm too late and they kiss me before I manage to push them away I don't freak out about it , this has happened a couple of times only and over decades ... I assume because they hoped I am secretly a lesbian or something ... but I am definitely not bi-curious even

I've been overweight the majority of my life and sometimes too thin because of anorexia in my 20s/30s or bulimia in my teens

I have been suicidal since puberty if not before , and I am now in my 40s

I receive psychiatric , psychological and wellbeing support from professionals currently and that was instigated by me and by my own choice so issues that are inappropriate to 7cups are being professionally taken care of to support me , so please don't worry about that side of things

Elsewhere online I participate in a lot of LGBTQIA+/MOGII spaces on social media where those communities specifically state that they welcome their allies from the CIS community , however I always confirm it is ok because some communities want to ensure there are no CIS persons involving themselves in the community space , which is absolutely fair enough , your club - your rules ... I genuinely approve

I accidentally found 7cups yesterday and I haven't browsed any of this here LGBTQIA+/MOGII forum much

I have opinions on LGBTQIA+/MOGII issues from an inclusive and scientific CIS viewpoint , I am a strong ally even when I am pedantic about phrasing or pronouns etc - but I never think it is appropriate to pretend I am LGBTQIA+/MOGII because I feel it would upset some people and I am very much a person that cares hugely about strangers

Even before puberty , but obviously suffering PCOS more so since puberty , ... I have sometimes been mistaken for a boy or hermaphrodite type figure despite always wearing CIS woman clothing , although you could argue I am sometimes a tom boy as part of my fashion sense but mostly I wear feminine clothing even when it is work trousers or jeans ( people thinking I am a manly looking woman has caused them to mistreat me which is why I mentioned marginalisation in the title , that and the lack of medical gender identity support for CIS people , especially that most doctors think an ugly CIS person is just something to laugh at not help )

I grew a beard as thick and black as my pubic hair as soon as I started growing a very huge set of breasts which is before I was 10 years old

Having to spend 2 hours a day almost everyday since puberty removing my beard has left me with a rage of self hatred for being a straight CIS woman and wanting to be that , but feeling that I have the incorrect internal biology and DNA to be 100% that

I suspect if I was a millionaire that a thorough investigation down to my chromosomes would prove I am 100% a woman that just happens to have PCOS but my doctors have always been so convinced of this anyway that they don't care how deeply my beard and bone structure and muscles bother me

They consider me a hypochondriac and tell me to just shave the beard everyday and get over myself

I feel hormone medication would be appropriate but I can never get any doctor to investigate frequently over a period of time what is happening , I have the testosterone levels of a woman and not a man so doctors don't care about anything else

I also worry a lot that there may be intersex features within my anatomy that are entirely internal but I can't get doctors to help with my woman parts let alone scan for small features that are not usual to a woman because all doctors think I am crazy as they consider me clearly 100% a woman

I don't intend to talk about this elsewhere in this here LGBTQIA+/MOGII forum other than in this thread , I am just giving you the opportunity to understand why I am always so paranoid that strangers think I am an ugly lesbian when I genuinely think it is ok to not be good looking , I'm a fan of as many ugly famous people as I am handsome or beautiful ... I'm not vain ... and if I was bisexual or a lesbian I would be super proud of it and would have shouted it from the rooftops even as a kid ...

But I feel like I am in the wrong skin for who I am in my soul , and I cannot state enough how deeply my physical body makes me feel too masculine to be a worthwhile woman which is NOT how I feel about any other person who is a CIS woman who is masculine , bodybuilders or just regular people who look very very manly

Again , when it comes to other people I think they are all truly beautiful and worthwhile and correct to be authentically themselves ... men wearing lipstick with a full beard fine , women who have beards as thick and black as mine who grow it out and just wear feminine clothes and love themselves for who they are ... I never think they are ugly ... in fact I find them quite beautiful both as themselves and as inspiration for me

But I really feel like there are a lot of physical things about myself I would change to make myself a good enough woman if I was rich enough

So ... why the long rambling pointless uninteresting story ?

I have two questions for the authentic 7cups LGBTQIA+/MOGII community : -

1. Are straight CIS allies that are strongly allies but may occasionally have a different opinion welcome in the 7cups LGBTQIA+/MOGII forum threads ? Or should I just try not to contribute ever ?

2. Given my situation and that I think my issues relate to dysmorphia solely and that even if I was rich that investigations would find me to be 100% a woman and 0% a man ...

do you personally consider me to be part of the PLUS on the end of LGBTQIA+

Or ...

do you personally think that by definition having a beard means that even if I am 100% a woman , that even just a thick black beard makes me 1% a man if not more ( my testosterone levels are a woman's not a man's )

Please base question 2 on the assumption that I do NOT have any intersex internal features what so ever or abnormal DNA etc etc etc

Thanks for listening , apologies if I have broken any rules that I am unaware of

Harmless or 42

@MostlyHarmless42