It Hurts to Think About my Sexuality

So, I've posted once here before already & would like to thank the cups community for being kind when I did. I am glad this site exists so that people can talk openly and support one another.

So, things are not good and have not been good for a long time. I have had a very painful life, for me, and feel that I never really have been given a break from stress and complicated, drawn-out situations that leave me feeling so, so drained, like I've been visited by Dracula.

One aspect of my life that follows this trend is my sexuality. I find it very hard to think about it deeply, or to, I guess, ascribe a label to it. I think a lot of that is because as I was growing up, no one talked about lesbians or bisexual people or gay people, trans people, nothing. I really didn't know much about it, other than that there was a classmate of mine who had two moms. I remember thinking that was pretty fascinating.

I feel a great sense of shame in my sexuality. I think that is because my father, who was very abusive to me, would go through my diaries and computer to keep tabs on what I was doing and thinking. After reading a story I wrote about two girls in love, he began to use my sexuality against me, mocking me, joking at me for it, he made me feel gross and like it was wrong. I took that deeply to heart and, though I now know that is far from the truth - that love/sex is wonderful as long as its between two adults who respect each other, I feel it doesn't apply to me.

I often feel like I hate myself. How do I purge this from me? I have not interacted with the LGBTQ+ community in my area. I know I probably should one day but I am petrified. I don't know why. I just feel so scared to do anything like that, especially with my extenuating circumstances. If you want to know about that I've made another post in this forum w/ further details.

I'm just posting to hear some feedback, maybe some rays of sunshine, just someone to talk to who might really understand.

Thanks for reading this long post.

-----moth