TW small rant
I wish life could just go a bit easier on me. but that's selfish isn't it.
finding out that I'm trans was hard enough and now I have to try to explain it to my parents. I still feel so hollow after coming out and they don't really get it still.
I feel like voice training isn't getting me anywhere and it sucks. I hate my voice and how it sounds and it makes me feel so bad about myself.
I hate the mirror and the body that I'm in, yet sometimes when I look at myself I feel alright, and that invokes a sense of confusion and doubt so deep that it hurts.
I'd love it if I were just somehow a girl. but sometimes I find myself enjoying life and my past despite presenting male, and it makes me so confused and doubtful if I'm even trans or not. But then at night I get the worst waves of sadness and regret that I'm still not physically a girl. And sometimes it even feels as if I'm just pretending to be one, as if I'm just playing a role, playing the role of Aqua.
I hate that people feel the need to discriminate and practice violence and bigotry against us. As if life weren't hard enough for everyone already, it feels like the safe havens that once were are no longer so safe.
It's getting to the point where I can't even enjoy myself and spending time with those I love. I can't even get myself to get out of bed, but I guess I'm just lazy, right?
I hope there can be a day we can all live our lives proud of who we are. Without fear for being judged or hated or even hurt or killed.
goodnight
thinking about it i just hope i dont come across as narcissistic :(
@aquaaaaa
Rest assured, that I haven't thought about your post as narcissistic. If anything, I feel a bit helpless, and share the hopes you expressed.
@Mel2248
thank you :) and I think holding that hope takes a lotta strength and is really important so that's really awesome!!
I feel the same way. I found out I'm trans few months ago, and I kinda found some explanation abt myself through it. But sometimes when I see myself now, in my male body, I wonder if my ideas are wrong, or my body is the one that's wrong. I couldn't tell anyone abt myself being a girl, as it's like a crime here, so I hide it. I hide 90% of my life from everyone. I don't have a relationship with my parents, maybe I sometimes talk to my mother, but abt unimportant stuff. I never talked abt or shared my feelings or thoughts with anyone. And sometimes, I think abt the confusion that I face, and the burden that hiding puts on me, and i wonder if I would be better if I just give up? Am I being really true to myself or I'm just... pretending to be true, while deep down I'm not.
@aquaaaaa
I feel the same way. I found out I'm trans few months ago, and I kinda found some explanation abt myself through it. But sometimes when I see myself now, in my male body, I wonder if my ideas are wrong, or my body is the one that's wrong. I couldn't tell anyone abt myself being a girl, as it's like a crime here, so I hide it. I hide 90% of my life from everyone. I don't have a relationship with my parents, maybe I sometimes talk to my mother, but abt unimportant stuff. I never talked abt or shared my feelings or thoughts with anyone. And sometimes, I think abt the confusion that I face, and the burden that hiding puts on me, and i wonder if I would be better if I just give up? Am I being really true to myself or I'm just... pretending to be true, while deep down I'm not.
