Dysphoric & Lost

Ideally would like comfort and advice from other adults in similar living situations. CW for transphobia and the usual issues you can expect from off-ish family.

How would anyone here cope with a “lukewarm” supportive family? I’m not sure how else to describe it, but it’s not necessarily my parents deny me of exploring my identity but that my mother was very insistent on how my transition should be. She would always assert that going on testosterone would likely make me violent or aggressive. This has hurt me deeply but I brushed it off as me being overly emotional. My father on the other hand, well I don’t even know the extent of his support because our communication is strained as is. Still stuck in my mind with how he reacted when I told him I wanted to go by a masculine name when I was 13/14. But whenever I bring it up to mother she would brush it off or question me if it actually happened. (Yes, yes it did happen and I’m sick of them denying their weird treatment towards me.)

I have a hard time leaving the house due to the neighborhood I’m in. Even when my father would drive me, workplace wasn’t any safer. Had to deal with violent and creepy customers. I would be a liar if I said living with family is helping me. But I also feel pressured to stay in case something happens, and every-time I try to make attempts of moving on I feel so stuck. I ruined whatever support I had from people I’d known online because of making inflammatory comments that I didn’t understand how they were bad. On top of a past situation which was misinterpreted by everyone when I didn’t know how to help at the time.

I feel separated from everyone when I tried so hard to connect. But I have a hard time expressing feelings appropriately I think. Then people would get infuriated with me for not knowing what’s appropriate or not. Then people assume things of my living situation because of it. It sucks and now I’m without people who would at least accept me for being trans/nonbinary.

I’m seeing a therapist again but I still feel dismissed whenever I would be suggested to go to college. I would constantly hear from people to take up school.. I don’t think people understand I’m not mentally or financially equipped to do so. Especially financially. I don’t want to plummet myself into debt when I’m not even sure if I can push through schooling. Even in grade school I would cheat or look up answers for things. I’m just sad and confused.