Nothing Makes Sense

I have always had a hard time figuring out my gender identity. I was born a female but growing up I was always a tomboy. A girl who behaved, acted, and played as one of my brothers.

Even now as an adult, I find myself be the same tomboy as i was a kid and teenager. I prefer to dress uo as a male and project my sense of masculinity thriugh my clothes and how i cut my hair.

It started when I found about drag kings and began to indukge on the activity that I found myself staring in the mirror once the makebup was on.

Was that really me?

Like....really, REALLY me? I could feel a twinge of familiarity like thats how I was meant to look.

Now, I own a binder and it helps flatten my chest out to exacrly how I want it to show. I've always hated my breasts and is the source of most of my health issues. But thats all i would change to my body. I don't mind that I am biologically a female but being masculine or a male in a way is a sense of freedom for me.

But my brain defaults to that of a female and how one must act as such in public which I hate. I dress up masculine and even get body dysphoria qhen I see images of how my body could look.

Take Elliot Page for example. The way their body looks is the way I want mine to look as well. The body of a male. But i dont know what term or gender Idenity i fall under with my circumstances and confusions.

Do I identify as male?

But i like the idea of not having a dick, ik okay with what I have just mot the breast part?

Does that mean I am transmasculine? A demiboy? Tomboy? I dont know!

There are too many terms to go through and each one just confuses me more!

I need help, i need advice or guidance through this mess!!