Gender dysphoria?
I have a lot of self hate for conflicting reasons. Sometimes it's because I genuinely hate certain parts of me or my body that don't match how I see myself and my identity and sometimes it's because I ask myself why I can't just do myself a favor and force myself into the binary only to be reminded why when I start to get depressed and hate myself again for the other reason. It's a difficult cycle to break.
That definitely sounds like it is gender dysphoria. You should try to explore your identity more and from there reduce your dysphoria by presenting in a way that makes you comfortable or happy. It might be hard because of the people around you but trying small things or even just figuring out your gender identity itself can definitely help reduce dysphoria and help you find people with similar experiences! Forcing yourself into the binary works if you need to stay safe but if you have the ability to even do small things to validate your gender identity then you should give it a try. I’m so sorry you are going through this and I hope things get better for you!
Thank you for posting OP and thanks for also the advice you received. I thought I might be struggling with this too and started to shame myself for it…
I don’t know what my next step will be if I will try different pronouns or what, but I feel validated tonight. ❤️