Gender Vent

Why is it so hard to love my body? i feel such a disconnect, it doesn't feel like mine. Anytime i try to get the courage to make it mine, i just feel like people don't really see me. I never really like it anyways if I try. One bad opinion ruins my day because I rely on people's opinions so much. I don't know how to completely love myself when not everyone in the world will love me. And I don't even know why. Why do i have to feel everything so deeply? So many people just don't care, so why do I care what they think? Sometimes i just feel plain apathy to avoid it all. I love my personality, but why is my body so important to me? It makes me this upset. Why do i care so much how the world sees me? There’s always going to be people out there that won’t like me no matter how I look, so I don’t know why I care so much. I feel paralyzed. I'm just so scared to be truly seen by the people i care for most. Now i have a mask. If it's not real, i don't get hurt by them. Which isn’t even true because I’m clearly a mess, but that’s just my mentality, I guess. I'm just terrified and i don't know what to do with myself. I envy so many people that don’t have to be themselves on the outside. It makes me so mad. I want to look like them so badly that it consumes me.