Married and struggling with intimacy issues.
I really didn’t know where else to post this and I’m going to try to get it all out without it being rambling and incoherent. Here goes.
I’ve been in a long term relationship since 2009. Today we are married. My spouse is in his early 40s and I’m in my mid going on late 30s. Our life seems mostly good except for one issue. The last several years I have not been all that interested in sex. For that matter, we seem to have different tastes in how we show intimacy with each other.
Now let me stress here that it’s not that I’m completely uninterested in sex. These days I just don’t feel a lot of desire or need for it. It’s not that I don’t love my spouse by any means, he just seems to want Gomez Addams level affection and that is just not who I am. There’s nothing wrong with me physically. At his insistence I had my testosterone checked-it was fine. I take Lexapro for depression and anxiety I’ve had since forever and feel great taking it. Asked my doctor if this could be a side effect of it at my spouse’s insistence-no, probably not, because there are times I can perform just fine and get geared up to do so. It’s just not nearly so often as my spouse would like. I do have sleep apnea and I’m currently getting used to a CPAP so that could be part of it, but if it is my spouse has no patience for that work in progress as I struggle to get used to my mask.
And let me stress, this bothers my spouse a lot. He spends a lot of time sullen and depressed. No matter how much I work at it or how often we talk it never seems to be any better. We had online therapy where the therapist suggested we try to have sex once a week. We did that for awhile and then missed a couple of months and you would have thought it was the end of the world. I try my hardest to be caring and attentive but everything I do seems to be greeted with “you used to…” or “it’s been X amount of time since…” And those are far from the worst moments. The worst are the screaming fights in the middle of the night because we didn’t have sex like he wanted where doors get slammed and there’s a lot of crying. Or the one time where I went to the bathroom and came back to find him awake and angrily accusing me of masturbating without him (in fairness, he only did this once and apologized the next morning; I share only to show how toxic this has been).
It’s to the point where I feel like I’m constantly in a pressure cooker and can’t unwind. I walk on pins and needles around my spouse and when he’s upset my first question is what did I do or not do now? I am who I am and by and large I’m happy and comfortable in my own skin, something it took me a long time to get to in life. I’m tired of feeling like I’m being shamed or that there’s something wrong with me for not wanting sex frequently. I’m tired of feeling like the bad guy for not giving him full access to my body when I want space or just don’t feel like doing anything. And while I understand he has his needs to and I’m happy to try and meet him in the middle it feels as if my best is never good enough.
The rest of our life together is generally happy and comfortable. I’ve raised the question of if he wanted to split up several times now just because I don’t know what else to do and he repeatedly says he doesn’t want to. I’m getting stressed out of my mind by this though and don’t know what to do now. He’s clearly unhappy, I’m trying my best to make things better, but it just seems like it always circles back to him yelling and crying and me struggling to figure out what I did or didn’t do and how to make it better.
I honestly don’t know how much more of this I can take.
Well i understand you are going through a rough time , but were your desires always less than him or its like that now only? Also its also possible that your drive might have reduced due to your mood , stress or pressures you are having in life. I dont think it would work always but if your husbsnd can make your emotions spike in some way , your drive can spike. If you would just do it cause someone wishes to , its like falling in a pit or emotional downside and maybe in sometime you wont be even be able to convince yourself to do it. Give yourself a reason , why you want to do it? What you get from it? ( if your answer is his happiness , thats just now enough for you to reach emotional high).
@D2K4 Being criticized no matter what you do. Screaming and angry accusations. Walking on pins and needles to avoid setting him off. Feeling shamed or like there is something wrong with you. All of these are common symptoms of abuse. It is up to you, not your husband, to decide what you feel comfortable doing with your body. It sounds like he neither respects your boundaries, nor appreciates what you do for him. Only you can decide whether or not you are willing to continue to endure his behavior. This resource may be helpful to you in standing up to his attempts to control you: https://www.7cups.com/boundaries/ Feel free to message me anytime if you would like to talk more about this. I hope you find the peace, happiness, and respect you deserve in life.
