Struggling to be okay with myself
This upcoming August will be a year since I consider what was me being sexually assaulted by a friend while I was under the influence of alcohol. It’s been a journey of struggles but also good days where I was able to push past it. It comes in waves but today was a rough one. I overanalyzed my sexuality and my experience with guys and sex. I was so vulnerable in the moment with the guy who did it and naturally my brain first goes to believe it was assault but then the other part of me thinks it’s not and it could’ve been my fault etc.
either way, I’m struggling to figure out what this experience means for me and my future partner/relationships. Idk how to even acknowledge the idea of being with someone platonically, much less having sex with someone and feeling that nervous and vulnerable. I crave sex in the way that my brain is convinced it’s the only type of intimacy. I know logically that it’s not, but I am scared to call myself asexual even if I might align with it because it means that I have to relearn what intimacy and relationships mean for me. I’m scared of being alone, so thinking I could be limiting who could want me doesn’t help either. If you read this far then thank you. <3
@kindnessngrace
you can have the most the most beautiful love affair without being explicitly physical. if you find a right partner, hugging, cuddling and kissing can be all the intimacy you want. these days people can have open relationships and these things are all over the map. Please don't let that stop you from loving others and being loved in return. remember, you're young and beautiful and this is the prime of your life.
Whatever happened, it is not your fault. I know it is probably hard to believe right now because for me, it was the hardest thing for me to accept when I was dealing with my rape, which was in childhood. You are so amazingly strong and brave to be so vulnerable here, thank you for sharing.
It is not your fault because it is most likely not consensual. As survivors, we carry an awful lot of weight that we don’t need to. What happened to you does not define who you are as a person. It doesn’t mention how long ago this was, but I know that I needed time to heal physically and emotionally. Take some time and like your handle says, show yourself some kindness and grace.
My pathway to recovery was through therapy, but that is only one route. There are a lot of good resources here, so congratulations on taking the first steps towards recovery.
