Struggling to be okay with myself
This upcoming August will be a year since I consider what was me being sexually assaulted by a friend while I was under the influence of alcohol. It’s been a journey of struggles but also good days where I was able to push past it. It comes in waves but today was a rough one. I overanalyzed my sexuality and my experience with guys and sex. I was so vulnerable in the moment with the guy who did it and naturally my brain first goes to believe it was assault but then the other part of me thinks it’s not and it could’ve been my fault etc.
either way, I’m struggling to figure out what this experience means for me and my future partner/relationships. Idk how to even acknowledge the idea of being with someone platonically, much less having sex with someone and feeling that nervous and vulnerable. I crave sex in the way that my brain is convinced it’s the only type of intimacy. I know logically that it’s not, but I am scared to call myself asexual even if I might align with it because it means that I have to relearn what intimacy and relationships mean for me. I’m scared of being alone, so thinking I could be limiting who could want me doesn’t help either. If you read this far then thank you. <3