I think I might be Ace
Hello everyone. So I've been struggling with this for a while now, and I'm not sure what to think. For as long as I can remember I thought I was bisexual. I am attracted to all genders, but have a preference for feminine presenting people. However I don't actually like sex. I mean I've had it and had the WANT to have it, but actually enjoying the act itself is another mater. I like forplay and the attention, but don't really enjoy the actual deed. I thought that it was just because of my past partners or maybe my trauma, but my last partner was everything I felt like I needed. He listened and seemed to know my tells better than I knew them myself, but I still found myself wanting to get it over with when we got to the stage of actually preforming. I guess my question is can I be on the Ace spectrum if I'm not sex repulsed and if I still enjoy forplay? If not is there something else that this would be called or am I just broken?
@GreenOwl99
Well, from what I've heard from many people who identify as sexual, the preference for everything but the "actual deed" as you say is actually a fairly common experience and can be influenced by a wide variety of factors. For example for some the "actual deed" is just painful due to underlying health conditions or has trauma associations, even stress and anatomy can play in to why someone may not enjoy all aspects.
Typically the defining characteristic for asexuality is the lack of experience of sexual attraction. So if you feel you are having sexual attraction, it may not be the right label for you, but that is something you would have to determine for yourself.
As to being broken, enjoying some aspects of sexual activity, but not intercourse is not broken, and is a lot more common than you may think. There can be a variety of valid reasons for not enjoying it.
@GreenOwl99
I'm guessing that by "the actual deed" you mean penetrative sex, right? There's a lot of social pressure about considering penetration "actual sex", but sex is not just about penetration. What we usually call "foreplay" (such as oral or manual stimulation) are by all means sexual activities as well!
Asexuality means lack of sexual attraction, but you said you enjoy certain sexual activities, which would suggest you're not asexual. Maybe you're simply into certain sexual activities rather than others!
@GreenOwl99
It doesn't sound like you're ace since you do experience sexual attraction. Asexuality has more to do with that than experiencing pleasure from sexual acts.
It kinda sounds like penetrative sex is just not that enjoyable for you. I don't know what type of genitalia you got 😅 But many women have a really hard time getting pleasure from vaginal penetration. It's fairly common actually. If that's the case for you, perhaps trying different positions might help (for me at least it does) or just using a vibrator to also stimulate the clit/labia during penetration.
@GreenOwl99 Of course! Not all aces are sex-repulsed. Some of them are even sex-favorable, which means they're willing to have sex for other reasons such as to start a family or just to please their partner. I identify as cupiosexual, which is basically a sex-favorable ace.
I hope this helped!
@GreenOwl99 (continued from my last reply since I can't edit it) I think you might actually be bellussexual. It means you like certain sexual actions but do not experience sexual attraction or want a sexual relationship.
@GreenOwl99 I don't think your broken. I have this issue too. I am just trying to understand myself too. I have family members that are against this community and I found out that I am apart of this community. I have friends that are in this community. I don't know what to do. So I understand your struggle.
I know your post is from like a year ago but I just wanted to say it helped me a lot to read this. My wife has said that she’s not interested in a sexual relationship anymore. This has been very confusing and complicated for me because she still compliments and says things about my body and touches me. I was feeling like is it just all a lie whenever she does that? It helps to know that there are other people who can still be attracted to someone and enjoy forplay but not want to actually have sex. And no of course you’re not broken! I hope you’ve found what you’re looking for and that you’re feeling better now.