if only

if only things had been different, if only she smiled more, if only i had picked up the phone, if only i wasnt me, if only i was there, if only i wasnt here, if only if only if only

im so tired of looking back at the past, im so tired of having to overthink every night, everytime.. if only.. here i am again, back at the same spot..

im writting nonsense at this point, my mind wont let me sleep

here we go again...

that should be my entry

ive decided, on me, and all the stupid things i'll do, this is the thread that i'll keep on coming back to, to write whatever pops in my head

no, you see, i'm the problem, i never let go of things

no, you see, there's nothin i could do, we're done for either ways

see, i wasn't even supposed to exist, yet i strived so hard

no, i got so much left to lose, but what is it that's stopping me

no, i'm only losing my mind, nothing more than i already lost

i got, i have i had thought that... i was strong. what a joke

see, i'm the problem

blame me

not you

but me

i had a friend, her name? let's call her penny, i'm an awfull friend, i even forgot my friends name, well, i can't help it, i forgot my fathers name too

but once in a while, penny told me stories

my favorite being, the story of the golden goose

the golden goose was one of a kind, hated by the others for being different

everytime she passed by, she got mocked, looked at weirdly or even called names

she had no friends, she felt like she didn't belong

so since she had no one who would miss her, she decided to leave her little village, she left nothing behind, she had nothing to leave and no one to miss

on a long journey to find more like her, she stumbled upon a human town, there she met plenty of humans, greedy humans, disgusting humans, shameless humans

that is where she learned real fear, real hate

the humans locked her in a cage, she never got to spread her wings, they got cut off and sold in an auction house

she never got the children she wanted, all her eggs were taken from her

she never got to see her reflection, her eyes were taken from her

blind, cold and alone, she cursed the humans, cursed those greedy beings

cursed them to feel the same pain she felt, a never ending sadness as deep as the ocean

emptiness as cold as the void

humans, once those who lived without a care, those who got eaten by their desires, they soon felt the whip of fate, the karma, the shame

then came depression, something the land had never seen

the end.

well. that's that

-loik