a safe space

I'm starting this thread because I feel like I'm always venting somewhere about something at some point in time and for some reason I don't feel as much incentive to journal if I know no one is going to see it... it's like this helps keep me more accountable in some way?? Trigger Warnings: Will probably at some point mention alcohol abuse, self harm, family trauma, relationship stress, body image issues/eating disordered thinking, financial stress, etc. Also I will probably cuss. None of it will be excessive, and all things that I mentioned will only come up when necessary, it's just that my life story involves those things so i might bring them up as i reminisce about things. I'm recovering from alcoholism, and learning to develop emotional regulation so that I can have control over my life finally. I have made a lot of progress over the last couple of years, and am committed to establishing stability in my life. I'm not saying that I expect to have a white picket fence, but at least a few acres of land would be nice.

So right now I just finished getting ready for a date that I have tonight with my boyfriend, we're going to the movies to see the Iron Claw! We've been together for a while but have never actually gone to see a movie together so I'm excited. When I was getting ready I found myself being really harsh about my own appearance-- i felt better after i moisturized my face and put some mascara on. I know there's nothing wrong with my face, I think I was just having a moment. I was also expecting to look worse in the clothes i decided to put on today, since i haven't been sticking to my fasting schedule like i was for months and months, i for some reason thought that I had gained all the weight back even though that's not the case. I'm trying not to develop an eating disorder...I want to have a healthy mindset about things but I still have some things ingrained in me. That's why I am attempting to develop healthier habits.

Lately I have been feeling like I am spiraling, but today I actually feel better. Hopeful. I came up with a plan. I have a job where essentially I just wait for clients to contact me, when i set myself as available, and then can spend as many hours as I want open for contact. So the amount of money I make really depends on me, and I haven't been putting in any effort. I was losing hope that anything was possible, that I would be able to save up enough by the end of may to get my own place, or if i would have to go back to my abusive family. But I have renewed hope. It's never too late to turn things around. I think that I was feeling like I was spirialling because I wasn't sticking to my routine. I was allowing myself to depression rot, even when i wasn't feeling down, until my mood and mindset began matching my behaviors. So the key to that is to change my behaviors so that my mood will follow suit.

For the next 100 days, I could easily make 100 dollars a day, and if I stick to my diet then I wouldn't need to spend any money at all on food. I have some place to stay, too, so technically I could save almost all of that money. SO that would be about 10,000... and some days i do make almost 200, so it really depends. But I just want to set an idea. Also, I have recently signed up for online classes to get certified in cyber security. I already have a computer science degree. The last class in the course is preparation for ANOTHER certification, which i will have to pay $99 to take an exam for. It's a lucrative field, and I could get a job that pays pretty well. So if I have $10000 by the time i lose my current living situation, then i will have the money to afford an apartment for a few months at least until I can find a job that aligns with the certification I also will have received by then, or will be close to receiving. And I will still be able to have my other job of taking clients from time to time, for extra expenses. So I don't need to panic... i just need to keep control of my anxiety, and tendency to shut down when i get overwhelmed. It is doable, I just have to stay calm, you know? And not burn myself out. 

To help with not burning myself out, I will make sure that I say yes to any social events my boyfriend invites me to, like playing d&d with his friends, who i have met and are really nice and not intimidating. Then I will make sure to spend nice nights watching movies with my boyfriend. I'll actively be intermittent fasting so I'll get the confidence boost/mood boost of seeing myself lose weight, and soon I'm going to make working out more of a priority. I will stay sober and not drink or smoke, because I can't afford disrupting the delicate balance going on in my brain chemistry. I will continue to journal once a day, hopefully on here, to clear my head. I will keep taking multivitamins, drinking enough water, and making my social life a priority. I will pay attention to my self care, take care of myself and my hair and nails and skin, and don't put too much pressure on myself so that I shut down, just enough pressure to keep going. But I don't want to pressure myself at all... I want it all to come from a place of love. A place of love for my boyfriend so he won't have to worry about me, a place of love for myself so that I can feel stable in my life, a place of love for my future children so they won't have to be raised with a lack mindset, and can have a healed mother. I won't let things stress me out, stop caring what other people think, and just focus on making my life better. I feel some fear, but I will just have to feel that fear and do it anyway until the fear subsides. Just like it did when I left an abusive family behind, just like it did when I left an enabling but safe relationship, and chose to get sober in the first place. There's no need to freak out about things when i have a plan and everything is firmly in my control. I could act, and change my life, or not act, and my life will still change but in a negative way. The hours will pass anyway, I might as well do something worthwhile with them.