Vanlifer Day 85 Pyrrhic Victories

(of a victory) won at too great a cost to have been worthwhile for the victor.

I've been a loser 

A big fat loser at that 

Literally

Yet another grand realization of mine, this perhaps the biggest in my life. This one realization seems to encompass every single decision I've ever made all the way back to childhood. 

At some point as a kid, well actually a few times as a kid. I've had the rug pulled from under me. Don't let the figure of speech fool you, the proverbial rug getting pulled from under me was an incredibly horrific and traumatizing experience. And this happened over and over and over and over again throughout my childhood until i developed the mindset that the worst possible thing that could happen to me WILL happen to me. And I was almost always right. It got to the point it became funny. Kinda like the scene in game of thrones where arya get to her last aunt just to realize she also died and she just burst out laughing. Surprisingly I never really thought about this aspect of my life and psyche. I figured oh well rough childhood who cares maybe it made me tougher. But it did the opposite. Without realizing it I've become terrified of losing. Horrified of failure. Which made never consider victory. Not really. I don't want to date a coworker because maybe she'll try to get me fired and then I'll be homeless and die on the street. This is a normal thought that I regularly have. I've met multiple women who I could have probably had great relationships with but since they're coworkers... I somehow think dating them will lead to my untimely death. And I'm not even joking. Like I actually think that. I'm being serious. And not only that I think theyll end up secretly wanting that to happen. Like they're secretly evil and get off on putting men in these positions. So instead of just taking them out on a date and seeing where it goes. I avoid them. I try not to lose. Because I think if I lose, I'll lose everything. But you can't win without being decisive. Pursuing victory is risking the worst possible defeat. Some people are lucky, they've never been so horrifically screwed over their whole childhood so they actually think they can't lose in such horrible ways. So they confidently take risk protected by ignorance. I don't have that privilege, I actually know just how bad things can get. But always trying not to lose or win causes stagnation which is just losing slowly. Choosing victory is also choosing my worst nightmare. I've learned to be ok with that. It's worth it. If going after my dreams leads to my death than it'll be a good death. The idea that I'll get victory through stagnation is ridiculous. That if I just wait it out and don't rock the boat is ridiculous. That is a Pyrrhic victory. A defeat dressed up as a victory. Spiritual suicide. Not worth it. From now on I'm acknowledging the possibility of victory just as much as I acknowledge the possibility of defeat. And I'm accepting the consequences of my actions. 

America ain't it. 

What I believe is going on in this country is that we are experiencing an unprecedented and rapid decline of the American dollar. This event is being hidden. It's being hidden by ridiculous housing cost. A basic 1 bedroom is about $100,000. Most people make 600 a week and keep 100 after bills. That's 100 bucks they have. Thinking that I'm going to buy a house in this country is silly. The economy is obviously failing and everyone is sticking their head in the mud. I live in my car yet I work at a job that most people would expect you to be rich in. Yet I live in my car. I'm being played. By America. Now I know that I have talents that I can monetize that would let me earn remotely. I ought to use those talents to free my earning so that's it's not locked down by a zip code. If I can make my own money remotely I can break away from this restrictive country. Trying to make ends meet in America is a Pyrrhic victory for me.