Really sad

Crazy how before when I heard the word depression I never knew just how scary and over powering it could be. I use to think it was just about being sad and you just needed something to cheer you up. But now that I’m not only older but recently fell into a deep depression, I can honestly say that I never imagined just how scary life and emotions can be. 

I’m so unhappy and it hurts everyday. My life is so empty and it sucks because I have little to no energy to put into bettering it. I still do but it takes me much longer to do things, and most of the time I don’t even do it as thorough kind of rush through it just so I can lay down again or go home and go back to being sad and doing nothing. And it’s even harder now to stay consistent or even form better habits. It’s not like I don’t want to, it’s just so so hard now. 

I never imagined even all the times in the past where I would say life sucks or I didn’t want to be here anymore there would actually be a time where I wasn’t just being dramatic and I really would be drowning and battling with these thoughts. I take those moments now and realize that I took them for granted because that kind of sadness was nothing compared to this one now. 

I feel sad and numb at the same time, not even sure how that works. I’ve lost the desire to keep living and to keep fighting, to get up and create (im an artist) to move my life forward. 

I wish I had someone to depend on, I have family but they have no idea and it’s times like this where I wish someone could just take the wheel for me while I rest for a little while. Or not even rest but maybe supercharge me and bring me back to life again cause I think a part of me have died. Sometimes life literally looks grey and my skin looks really pale. 

Laughter doesn’t feel like that heartfelt sensation anymore, and sadness feels so much heavier almost like Im just in this body and have to drag it everywhere. I have no desire to make friends even tho I want them so barely or get back up again and create my art because I kind of lost sight of the purpose of that anyway.. 

I feel stuck.. stuck between living because there’s a small part of me I guess that still wants to, just out of hope and curiosity to see where this could go and who I could be.. but then everything else sits on top of me and I can’t seem to get up. Don’t want to get up. 

It really is a battle.