Really sad
Crazy how before when I heard the word depression I never knew just how scary and over powering it could be. I use to think it was just about being sad and you just needed something to cheer you up. But now that I’m not only older but recently fell into a deep depression, I can honestly say that I never imagined just how scary life and emotions can be.
I’m so unhappy and it hurts everyday. My life is so empty and it sucks because I have little to no energy to put into bettering it. I still do but it takes me much longer to do things, and most of the time I don’t even do it as thorough kind of rush through it just so I can lay down again or go home and go back to being sad and doing nothing. And it’s even harder now to stay consistent or even form better habits. It’s not like I don’t want to, it’s just so so hard now.
I never imagined even all the times in the past where I would say life sucks or I didn’t want to be here anymore there would actually be a time where I wasn’t just being dramatic and I really would be drowning and battling with these thoughts. I take those moments now and realize that I took them for granted because that kind of sadness was nothing compared to this one now.
I feel sad and numb at the same time, not even sure how that works. I’ve lost the desire to keep living and to keep fighting, to get up and create (im an artist) to move my life forward.
I wish I had someone to depend on, I have family but they have no idea and it’s times like this where I wish someone could just take the wheel for me while I rest for a little while. Or not even rest but maybe supercharge me and bring me back to life again cause I think a part of me have died. Sometimes life literally looks grey and my skin looks really pale.
Laughter doesn’t feel like that heartfelt sensation anymore, and sadness feels so much heavier almost like Im just in this body and have to drag it everywhere. I have no desire to make friends even tho I want them so barely or get back up again and create my art because I kind of lost sight of the purpose of that anyway..
I feel stuck.. stuck between living because there’s a small part of me I guess that still wants to, just out of hope and curiosity to see where this could go and who I could be.. but then everything else sits on top of me and I can’t seem to get up. Don’t want to get up.
It really is a battle.
@reliableFriend8097
Hello, My name is Day
I'm so sorry you're struggling with depression and what sounds like some anxiety symptoms! I know the feeling you described all too well! About 4-5 years ago I was suffering terribly and I started to seek help. I used the crisis line many times just to talk and I ended up going to the hospital's emergency room because the anxiety made me have severe SH ideation and I was worried and very scared and hadn't been able to sleep for about 35 hours. I was admitted to the hospital for about 10 days (It was very helpful). I attended different mental health groups and spent time with about 8 other people that were there all for mental health reasons. I went home and was still suffering badly so then I ended up going back to the hospital. After my second stay there I went to IOP (Intensive outpatient) for 6 weeks and then POP (Partial outpatient). I was about to become homeless again so I went to check what resources or help I could find and human resources in town all during that time of my life and then one day when I was there (after they heard I was a veteran), they connected me with a Veterans homeless program and They provided me with a place to live with 9 other veterans, we each had our own rooms with lockable doors. I met a guy there who introduced me to his therapist, and she was absolutely an amazing counselor/friend/teacher! I found 7cups after that, and got another counselor who is simply an amazing therapist too. I've been using 7 cups and going to therapy every week, sometimes twice a week (every other week). I feel truly blessed because of the support and guidance I receive and the education about how to self care, relax, and ride the wave as my therapist says. I've learned that I was wrong back when I used to think I was crazy and wasn't going to get any better, But I Was Wrong!! When you learn that you are worth the effort and learn how to treat yourself with care and love and learn how to relax your mind. Anxiety is a manifestation of your worries and fears mixed with an attempt to simultaneously solve all of your current problems and while worrying about world events and family troubles. We need to learn not to let that sh!t rent any space in our heads and remind ourselves that "Those that mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind"
Anxiety is a
thief that steals our joy, scares us, gets our thoughts all jumbled up,
and gives us a grim perception of the world around us. The way to
defeat the anxiety is to start with baby steps: Make your bed and then
look at it and feel the satisfaction. (That's goal number one) and it
feels great to know you can set and attain a goal, and then you might
think about what the best foods are to be healthy and maintain a healthy
weight. I know that when you begin to think of small changes in your
life to improve life that your mind becomes occupied and during those
times that you are attempting to improve your life you will start
noticing that the anxiety is sort of fading during those times. Learn
what types of things are upsetting for you and avoid all the triggers
you learn you have. You've got this! I am like a caveman and if I can do
it, so can you. You're not alone! 7Cups has been part of my day every
day since and I even learned how to find my purpose by helping people
and often mutually getting and giving helpful words and support from
other members and the free Listeners helped me a lot, I still stay in
touch with some of the listeners who helped me through some really bad
times. I've been alcohol free for the past 215 days and recently was diagnosed
with type 2 diabetes, so now I made more changes like the foods I am
now eating. Since I started making careful food choices, I've lost 17
pounds, I want to lose about 75 more so I can start walking better since
I have a painful bone disease. Maybe I can overcome type II
diabetes?? I hope so. But my point is the more I try to self improve,
the less my mind has time for the anxiety to take hold. I am so grateful
that I now have figured out how to overcome anxiety and because self
improvement is where I started I have made surprising progress. I have
PTSD from the war and from being shot at another time, and I was bullied
badly from 12- 15 years old. I had to endure 6 years in a bad prison
because my X-wife set me up to get me out of the picture so she could
divorce me and marry my (used to be) good friend. I may never be 100%
sane again, but I have found a better path towards getting a healthy
mind and body. Try many Listeners and get involved in some of the games
in the forums. If you see one called "Count to One Million", that is 1 of the
about 20 forums I created. Once you find direction in your life and
find purpose, you will understand how good it feels to be rid of anxiety
and benefit from the mental health journey. Tag me any time! Remember
to take very good care of yourself and start advocating for yourself.
Take real good care!!~ Smile because it releases endorphins (which are happy hormones) As they say: Fake it until you make it. Find a hobby that you really enjoy. I like to draw animals. You may need meds to help stabilize, I take 18 meds each night and I am stable and progressing lately, and so can you!! You've got this!!~
Blessings, Day
@reliableFriend8097
Oh, one more thing that has tremendously helped me be less disappointed in the world is: I don't watch the news on TV and avoid all my triggers as best as I can 🤗
Blessings, Day