My Choring Journal
I know I could write this in a spiral, pen and paper.
I know I could write this to a private word doc.
I choose to write it here. Just the thought that someone might read it helps me feel seen and heard and accountable. This format also means that occasionally I might have a comment in this journal from others but it’s not the same tempo and level of distraction as a chat room. So I’m hoping that might help keep me calm and to task.
I’ve chored fairly well today.
I’ve eaten my low calorie breakfast and lunch. Counted and logged my calories.
I’ve walked my ten minutes once.
ive fed the ants lettuce and celery scraps. They’re quite ravenous and coming out in droves today now that spring is springing.
ive brushed out the dogs outside in the never ending chore to keep pet hair down to a minimum inside the house. Plus, it’s good for their coats and skin too.
ive re-organized two kitchen cabinets, a long overdue task each cabinet.
ive cleaned some of the kitchen counters in greater depth than I have in a very very long time. I’ve decluttered these same kitchen counters as well. I did not get to all the counters.
I put away clean dishes out of dishwasher and put away hand washed items. Have rinsed and loaded all dirty dishes from sink and coffee table, side table.
ive washed some items I rarely hand wash as well.
Maybe it’s not amazing progress but it’s progress all the same. I worked on these chores I’ve been putting off for too long. I let go of my perfectionism and troubleshooted a few working solutions for now knowing that if I don’t like them or they prove not to helpful, pleasing or convenient, I can change them. It isn’t permanent; doesn’t have to be. And that’s how I talk to myself to overcome the all-or-nothing approach in perfectionism.
April 10, 2023
Monday 4:25pm
What to do about the okra?
The okra in the fridge is starting to mold. I will clean it in a colander and come up with a plan to use it in tonight’s dinner.
Which must get underway now if I’m to keep to schedule.
5:02pm
what to do about the moldy okra?
Remove the mold. Using a serrated knife I scraped along the spines of each okra removing the mold and most of the skin of each okra until the outer flesh was not much more than a barred cage holding and displaying the seeds within and each had begun to slime in defense.
Not a pleasant task. Nor would my husband be eager to eat such rotten food. But he will not know it was rotten and I often cook this way whe food has spoiled.
It was partly therapeutic, a quiet mindful task I guess they would say here.
And did I think to contemplate Christ or God or the Holy Spirit or the Jesus Prayed while I cleaned them?
No. I thought of my own ego and the words I would write here.
Now I will take the two plant-based burger patties, made mostly of soy protein concentrate and sunflower and coconut oils, and spice them for cooking and add herbs along with the okra and some onion and tomatoes and bell pepper and celery. Garlic.
Will serve over jasmine rice.
I may prepare some cabbage soup as this cooks as well. The cabbage soup is for my lunches and meal supplements as he does not like cabbage soup.
*******
7:20p
Got dinner done and H out the door to his meeting. Got my dinner plus beverage (I mix a portion of sprite with zero calories flavored water) tabulated at about 620 calories (I think). The rice and the patty were the most calories and then another fifty in sprite.
I am still working on chopping vegetables for cabbage soup. And I have to measure them and write it down so I’ll be able to know roughly how many calories per serving.
I might take a break from all this kitchen fun and see if I can find a meeting of my own.
I know what I’ll do: I’ll listen to the recent (and past) advice of all these good and kind AA and Al-Anon people that would have me listen to one of these Al-Anon speaker cd’s that H recently got me (without my knowledge or consent ha).
So far I’ve only listened to two, and one of them was borrowed. (My husband, or “H” for husband, thought I ought to hear it and borrowed it from someone).
I must admit it’s not easy for me to listen to them. Partly because I resent H for suggesting to me what I should do about anything when he is the reason that I qualify for Al-Anon in the first place. I find him to be the source of much of my pain.
But Al-Anon seems to be saying that that’s my own responsibility. I don’t know, we’ll see.
Another reason I do not like these speaker cd’s is that I feel I don’t have much in common with the speakers that I’ve heard. I actually only remember the borrowed one. And altho she told an entertaining and interesting tale — full of humbleness and wisdom it was not (for me). (Akin to hearing myself speak since I think I’m such an interesting character).
So I’ll pray as I hit the play button that God might open my ears and my heart and guard me from erroneous preconceived or contrived perceptions.
Tuesday April 11, 2023
8:30a
”it’s too early to be hiding under the covers already.”
I have to get up and face this day.
Cabbage Soup
The soup that I started making last night at dinner, and worked on again late last night and this morning, is done.
It seems hard to believe but I tried to be careful with my measurements, it seems hard to believe that the whole pot is only about 450 calories.
When it cools a bit I will measure it again so I can get a number of servings. A serving of the soup will go nicely with salads or other meals when I’m hungry without adding many calories.
***
In other news, I still need to do a few chores and try to keep my world very calm. I am trying to return to the office today.. I’m already wanting to back out of it.
It’s been months since I’ve been back. I can do the payroll from here but it is not enough.
***
last night H came home from his meeting announcing that he had to go on a call-out. The dogs and I loaded up and rode along.
when we got back he went to bed and I swept the kitchen and laundry floor and started the dishwasher, put the soup to the burner. By now it was about midnight or closing in.
the orange tabby that was here Sunday night was here again. H put some food out for it. Which reminds me, he asked me to put a bowl of food out for the tom today. Our two cats don’t like it but what are we supposed to do? The poor dear.
my husband was pleased that was sweeping I could tell and he patted me lightly as he said he was going to bed. Which caused my dog to jump up barking alarmed to get in between us.
I wish I could get my dog to understand that there is no threat. It’s our own fault. Partly because there were times it was a “threat” back when he was drinking. And partly bc we made a bit of a game of it. “Get the mommy” in the beginning which actually used to still wound me because it was too soon after physical abuse or while it was still going on.
but later it even evolved into “get the daddy” and it lost some of the woundedness I had felt. But the dog, my dog? I feel we’ve done him a disservice. I don’t know. Guess it depends. Timing.
**
will I make it to work today? Even all these years later i tell myself my shattered nerves can’t take the sounds and people. The jostling of my rattled nerves. I stay in my cocoon.
**
Is H to blame? Is the trauma to blame? Would I be unhappy to find out that it’s my own fault, at least in part I know it is. Would I be unhappy to find that I am responsible for myself and my own emotions and my own actions? (Yes).
How Do I Make Myself Leave The House?
am I so wrong not to leave the house? (I think maybe that I am).
I made myself leave the house last night. I psyched myself up by talking in a chat. I did receive support there. At least two other people in that chat struggle with self-imposed isolation. One of them was the moderator.
Wednesday April 12, 2023
8:25a
“I’m just a poor boy..
life and it’s horrors, there’s no getting out. Don’t tempt these vultures that are circling now - don’t be the reason.” (MorMor)
Time to get to chores. Hopefully will accomplish floors and laundry. And dishes. At least make progress on floors. Wash bedding etc.
Thursday April 13, 2023
10:36a
Right Action: Forgiveness is a survival tool
“Life and its horrors, there’s no getting out. Don’t tempt the vultures that are circling round..”
I became the cause. Been a long downhill the last twelve hours arguing with H over some unexpected found online history. Nothing too horrible but nothing too grand considering the shape of things.
why can’t I see that I’m the problem? Am i the problem?
*****
Chores: stop fighting with husband and leave the poor man alone.
Support him, support him, support him.
Support him how? First, by leaving him alone and plowing my own row. Do my own chores. Do the things - the actions - that will actually help him (and me) and stop all this word talk.
let him be. Pray for him. Put him in God’s hands. Ask God’s forgiveness. Do things that will help me forgive H. Do things that will help me forgive me. Do things that will help H forgive me.
“Forgiveness is a survival tool.”
My distrust is now without merit. I think.
i may come by my fears and distrust honestly enough but they are no excuse for the emotional and verbal abuse that I dish out. H is verbally and emotionally abused by me. I’ve known it but couldn’t name it or claim it.
I will begin to look for a book or workbook on how to stop emotionally and verbally abusing someone.
I found an article on Emotional Abuse and I wrote it out by hand so that I’d have it and so that I’d have to think/sit and be with it.
H and I have talked several times today. When I told him that I was so sorry that I’ve treated him this way he was instantly gracious as is his way. And his “I love you’s” sound filled with meaning today. I think he is grateful and hopeful and so am I.
Sunday April 16, 2023
8:00a
St-Gregory of Nyssa, the master of symbolism ties some of these images together speaking of men becoming « animals turning the mill. » « With our eyes blindfolded we walk round the mill of life, always treading the same circular path and returning to the same things …we never cease to go round in a circle. »[1].
(from article “The Serpents of Orthodoxy” April 18, 2013 Jonathan Pageau)
April 25, 2023
Tuesday 8:30am
Finally broke down and talked to God. A small start, a small prayer.
Chores and Tasks:
chores have been going ok. Not great, not bad.
but I have had an uptick in tasks which has also reduced my isolation due to the social nature of some of the tasking.
still needing to practice being kinder to H. I fund myself having to apologize way too often which means I’m still speaking and behaving out of rash anger.
which reminds me: I was looking into how I’ve verbally and emotionally abused him so that I may rectify this behavior and treat him with the love I have for him.
