Lonely ramble 🥳

I want to be a good friend to others. I want to be kind, caring, and empathetic. I try my best, but I know it’s not good enough.

I struggle to bond with anyone. In every social situation, I feel othered, and I can never pinpoint why. People like me, but we never get close. I’m invited to group chats and parties, but never anything individual. All of my friendships are impersonal, and I’m never enough to keep around for very long. My efforts to reach out are ineffective, but maybe I just don’t try hard enough. I think I could try and be more assertive, but I am so afraid of bothering people.

I want to be funnier and more charismatic. I feel like I’m so “normal”, but somehow it’s hard to mesh with everyone else. I don’t know how to fix any of this. I just want someone who is willing to really know me and love me, you know? I’ve never had a “best friend,” even in childhood. Everything’s so superficial. I want to change, but I don’t know how.

I can’t go over everything that’s happened because that would go on forever, but basically, trusting people is very hard for me. In my experience, it’s just a matter of time before some does something cruel to me or someone else, and I’m not comfortable supporting a person who harms me and others. I am generally very forgiving, and that’s gotten me no where in the past. I have certainly done bad things, but I’ve never gone out of my way to intentionally hurt people that I claimed to love. That’s so weird.

Nobody knows that I walk on eggshells everyday. Nobody knows how I was isolated as a child, or the abuse that took place while I was “home” schooled. No one knows what I went through after I started public high school and then got booted to digital as soon as COVID hit, and then I got chronic illness and it stayed that way. On the bright side, I know I never would’ve been able to apply for college had I not gotten out of my parents’ homeschool fiasco. Educational and social neglect do crazy things to your brain, evidently (me). Anyway, it’s all okay. I will deal with it. No one has to know. I don’t even know why it would matter… I guess it’s just a nice thought?

I tend to use the words “friend” and “ acquaintance” interchangeably because otherwise I wouldn’t have any friends! Lol. I will someday though, hopefully. I just need to be less judgmental and more supportive, or something. More perceptive and thoughtful. I am so low energy, too. I think that’s a big problem. I don’t feel like having conversations all of the time because my poor mental health and Chronic Illness ™️ take so much energy out of me on top of all of my responsibilities. I wish I was more of a “hang-out” type person. Man, I wish people weren’t put off by me. It hurts a lot. I wish I weren’t so weird and awkward. I’m trying!

I think things will change someday as long as I do what I can to better myself and contribute to my community. I just wish I had someone to support me. Everyday is pain. It’s hard to keep going. Alas, life goes on.

Chug a chug a choo choo

(I think college will have a lot in store for me.)

-Monet

P.S. how have you been lately??? And only if you’d like to share, what has been your experience with forming meaningful relationships, and do you think it’s been impacted by your upbringing?