Lessons I've learned as an almost 18 year old male who had 2 long distance relationships

Hi my friends, this is Fahd

I never expected in my life that I would do something like this, on something social.

But I needed support when I had my second breakup 3 days ago, so I found this app, and I feel more hopeful in general, with the help of a few sweet listeners I've talked to.

pssssst, shoutout to @delicatekitten17

She was the only listener that genuinely made me feel better, relatable, and a sweet person to talk with.

I tried to talk to others, got blocked by 2 for no reason, and I felt hurt by them.

Won't mention who, but I understand how overwhelming it can be, so I hope that I forgive them when I'm in a better state.

I was an introvert, and one of these isolated at home kids, but I have found my journey to heal, and become better, and a good person.

I was thinking about what I learned well from my breakup, and I thought I could help others too.

I know how common it is for teenagers like me in this generation to experience long distance relationship, especially in this day and age where there is access to everything.

And here it is:

Selfless love, time, and money giving (I never gave them money thank god, but it counts too) should never be ever in the dating phase, or should I say before marriage.

Here's a rule that I made on my own to the principle of who deserves your selfless giving without expecting anything back:

1-Your family, and in case your family is abusive to you directly, then it's better to give less, or not give. 

2-Children, but I don't mean spoiling them, in moderation of course, sometimes yes and sometimes no. 

3-Homeless people, and people with disabilities.

4-Elders, especially your teachers, or people who made an influence in your life, it may not be much to you, but even if you give them any small gift, they would be too happy. 

5-True loyal friends who make you happy, don't bring you down, or support you in anything, or even financially. 

6-Your married partner, after the honey moon phase, or directly in the phase where you feel less excited, and more normal being with them, and they must have the traits I mention below. 

As a guy, in my last 2 relationships I had this idea that I should be patient, and give my partner the love they want without taking anything back, and I got used for it.

Most people are naturally ungrateful, and they choose to treat others based on their comfort, not what you deserve back.

Well in this case, my partner was a narcissistic who had childhood traumas, and I was very emphasatic with her, that I gave up on my own needs to be there for her, due to "Selflessness", and that was a vital mistake.

To recap the ending of my relationship, she took advantage of my "Selfless" giving, and also it wasn't enough for her too, so she cheated on me, and blamed me for it. 

While she took zero accountability for everything, and I wanted to support her to heal, but sadly, she didn't wanna help neither herself, nor the relationship, nor me. 

So my advice is that on the beginning of the relationship, there should be principles, requirements, and things that can be compromised if possible.

I needed my partner to video call, and normally call me occasionally, doesn't have to be everyday, but maybe twice a week or something, but she never barely did. 

It's just my opinion, but I believe now that if your partner is worthy of being in relationship, and they actually care about you, they would not argue about the idea of giving and take, instead of only taking. 

They give you love in your own language, you give them love in their own language, that's a great road for a healthy relationship, where nobody will feel unworthy, or unloved. 

If your partner is refusing to give you love in your language, I'm sorry, but you should break up, because this isn't a babysitting session, the love they won't give you now, they will never give to you in the future, nor your future children. 

If your man keeps giving advices, and talks too much about issues, he wants you to heal, become a better person, and fix the relationship, that's his way of caring about you, not because he doesn't accept you.

If your woman keeps telling you to do things like to study, to go to work instead of being lazy, or just wanting you to do something good, that's her way of caring about you, its not her being clingy or annoying

Choose someone who actually fights with you for a future, and match your kindness.

Both partners should take accountability, and if one of them is too weak for it due to maybe stress or a traumatic experience, then they should go to therapy, instead of being in a relationship.

For the male and the female, they have to follow this:

Help yourself

Help your partner

Help the relationship 

If one of them is missing, for either genders, then the relationship will break.

My partner may have not planned to cheat on me, but she did cheat, because she literally failed all three.

She was miserable, didn't want to help herself

She didn't want to take accountability for anything in the relationship

And she didn't want to support me, and she admitted it herself, but I was emphasatic, and an idiot, so I went on with it, and I regretted it, and I was the one who ended it.

So, my dear friend who's reading this.

A relationship is a give and take, where you feel supported, and you support.

You don't have to cling to a relationship that doesn't make you feel happy, and the partner with you who's like that isn't the only human in the world, there are millions more fishes in the sea, and I understand that it's hard.

I'm not saying that you should be only with a perfect partner who doesn't have any trsuma or anything, nobody's perfect.

But find someone who wants to heal with you, try hard for you, them, the relationship, and the future

Some people aren't ready enough to be in a relationship.

Especially if you're a teenager who does nothing but play videogames, be on social media all the time, or being obsessed with memes, and escaping your reality.

For females, relationship isn't always flowers and rainbows, nor a romantic book. 

For males, a relationship shouldn't always be serious, logical, nor painful.

Females and males, we are a pair that completes each other.

We are not equal, but both genders have things that completes each other, like puzzle pieces.

We need each other.

Males need the sense of female comfort and kindness, as much as strong masculinity.

Females need the sense of male logic, and the ability to face reality.

Again, there are millions more fishes in the sea.

It doesn't matter if you and your partner are compatible or not, it's never about that.

A relationship to marriage is a mutual sacrifice.

And a partner who can't sacrifice, they're either not ready for a relationship, or unworthy of being in a relationship.

If your partner acts in the same pattern as my partner, and you know well that you did your best, and actually tried, and took action to love them, but they are doing the same.

Then you deserve better, and you must let go, and never give up on finding the one you deserve.

Peace my friends, I hope this reaches people who needed it.❤️❤️