Journal #1 (starting Oct 15th)
(TW, stuff in here may be related to potentially heavy topics, there will also be cursing which I will censor to the best of my ability)
The beginning of this journal may be all over the place, I was writing whatever came to mind so whatever you read is my raw emotions and feelings (the good, the bad, and the ugly). I will try and post a new thread every month/few weeks, depending on how much I write in it, so it doesn't get crazy long.
!!introduction!!
hi, I'm socks.
I am 17 and a senior in Highschool. I have self-diagnosed Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD, 4 yrs), anorexia, ADHD, insomnia, severe anxiety, and maybe even depression (ps I don't like saying that word for reasons I might explain in my journal). Im starting this journal to get my feelings on paper because I have nothing better to do with them, I'm also hoping that maybe it'll, one day, help someone understand what I was (and might still be) going through given that expressing my feelings isn't really something i'd say I'm good at.
OCTOBER 15TH
Its gotten to the point where almost more than half my daily thoughts are about how ****ed i am. In terms of mental health, college, my relationships, and just my future in general. I am so behind on everything, so behind that i dont even know if ill be able to ever catch up fully or even catch up enough to the point where i feel like i'm actually going somewhere. My life in the past couple of years has been constantly up and down, last year it wasnt as bad but this year is just torture. Its gotten to the point where the only times im not thinking about how ****ed i am are when im spotting and taking pictures of graffiti, watching horror games, or doing art.
My mental health has been so ****ing **** for so ****ing long its exhausting. I cant even talk about ANYTHING to do with it without crying because of the excessively large amount of baggage i carry around with me. I could take a whole day, a whole 24 hrs and i wouldnt even be a quarter of the way through explaining all the ways im ****ed, all the problems i have, everything i need to get done, everything i want to be and the ways that i can never imagine being them. I lose motivation- I get behind i try to catch up - i lose motivation=more behind I feel like i cant catch up because i am so behind=no motivation so… even more behind By the time i get motivated to do something, ANYTHING, its basically too late. My big problem: MOTIVATION, I HAVE NONE!!
Another big problem i have is communication, especially when it comes to communicating things that involve my mental health. It can get crazy hard to explain mental health type situations bc i dont even know whats wrong with me all i know is that its a ****ing lot. This year ive def been better at communicating when it comes to mental health but im still terrible at it. I still hesitate because since i have just- so much everything i try to persevere through it instead of letting them know. It gets to a point where i feel like they might think that im using mental health as an excuse, or maybe i feel like im using it as an excuse. I’m not sure, its complicated. Im just so complicated, theres just so much to me that needs to be fixed that this whole, whatever the **** this is, its just going to be all over the place.
Anyways my future is ruined, i dont know what i want to do, ive had so many phases where ive wanted to become this, but then i change my mind so quickly. I dont want to go into college thinking i want to be something but then half way through it i decide that i want to become something else.
(after a session with the school crisis counselor lol) ms. cotton always makes my problems seem so small, i want to see her all the time. Seeing her always helps, it makes my day so much better.
OCTOBER 16TH
Why is emailing teachers so terrifying, why am i so stupid, why am i so ugly, why is everything so hard for me.
OCTOBER 17TH
The saxophonists in symphonic band def talk about me, im sure of it. They are prob sick of me already. ***.
OCTOBER 21ST
I feel hopeless, im such a failure. I keep emailing my teachers for extra time and making promises that im going to turn more assignments in by a certain time but i never follow through. I feel like ill never be able to, im just so unmotivated, i hate school so much just thinking about it is exausting. I know this is going to sound ridiculous but i kinda want to get suspended again, i want to drop out to get this *** out of my life. Its so fcked, i feel like whatever i have to deal with after i drop out wont be anything like the stress and pain not only school is causing me but also the pain im causing myself i want to bomb every single square foot of one of lanes bathrooms and call a security guard down just to get me suspended, just to get me out of this horrible place. I want to say its not fair so *** bad but it is fair, or it atleast looks fair. I caused so much property damage but i only got suspended for 3 days, i have gotten SO behind on homework and most of my teachers prob will STILL give me extra time even though they already *** have, i have a bed to sleep in, food to eat, i go to a great school with awesome people, ive had so much *** support. Im *** my life, i dont even know if i deserve a chance to un-*** it. I already hate everything about me, so everyone else has the right to also hate everything about me. In my perspective its not fair, but i dont explain it well enough to people who dont understand how its not fair so it just sounds like im spitting bllsht to get out of a bad situation. I didnt have support, but i never really reached out or asked for it so thats my *** fault. I dont feel that its my fault but theres no one else to blame either. I felt like i couldnt ask for support, its really complicated. I know that people like social workers, phycologists, therapists, they arent supposed to judge you and they almost always never will! But its this “what if” feeling that keeps me from doing things to keep me healthy, both physically and mentally. “What if i get fat” “what if they yells at me” “what if they says no” “what if they stop talking to me” “what if they dont like me” “what if they do like me? What if i have to hang out with them?” “what if they think im ugly” “what if what if what if what if what if what if what if!!!!! I’m so sick of it but i cant change it, ive been like this for the past two years not realizing the all the ways in which im torturing myself by trying to prevent something like being judged. Its inevidable! Its not something you can f*cking prevent, i know this yet i do it anyways!! WHYY!!!???
will i ever be ok again? My hesitation to answering this question is frustrating, its sad, it is depressing as f**ing s***. My mum calls me a failure at least 3 times a week now, i mean i dont blame her. I dont talk about mental stuff with her at all so she just sees someone whos not trying at all whatsoever to fix what a f***ing mess i am and have been for the past 4 years. She doesnt understand, but she trys to help even if they are in all the wrong ways. Shes trying. Im not trying, i cant try because thats just who i am now i guess. Ive tried to fix it but all motivation i once had is all gone and i have no way to build it back up again. I dont know what to do, im stuck and i want to reach out for support but i dont know what im asking for. What i want is ridiculous, basically impossible, very selfish. I need a break. I cant remember the last time i felt good about myself, or something i did. I need a break, i need to breathe without choking. I need to live a day in my life where i dont think about how *** i am, or at least half a day. I need a whole day to just sit down in front of someone and just explain how f**ed up i am, how doomed i am, i need to sit down in front of someone and just cry my eyes out, i feel like i could cry for weeks.
I wish i could just- not be me. Someone that doesnt have to worry about being judged, i want someone to open my brain up and flip a switch or something. I want to be someone that has motivation to do things, someone who knows what support they need and has the courage to ask for it.
Writing my feelings down doesnt make me feel better, well i guess in a way it does. Maybe i can show this to someone and they might be able to understand what im going through because i literally cant speak a sentence of this without crying my eyes out.
Im skipping class right now, i went to the wellness center first though. I only do that because if my mum ever finds out that i skipped, at least i have some sort of proof that i wasnt out doing drugs or having sex. Not that ill ever be able to tell her the real reason why i skipped, she’d kick me out to my dads in a heart beat if she knew the things i thought about myself. Or no, she would prob actually take me to the hospital because thats where it’ll be confirmed that i am (Infact!!!!) just like my father! Woohoo! Youre right mum! Im depressed as **** and you painting that as a thing to be ashamed of has really helped me reach out to get help for it. Well she brought me into this world and has gotten me to where i am today, so apparently she can beat me up mentally as much as she wants. Its all my fault anyways, im the one throwing my life away for no reason. Im the one that just doesnt care. All my fault, im the one to blame so i dont deserve the support anyways. She says that she wants me to just take a wad of cash and run away all the time, of course she doesnt mean that (i hope) but it still hurts. One time she kicked me out of the house and made me live with my dad for a whole week and a half. When i came back she said “our lives were so much better when you were gone” even my sister wanted me to go back to my dads. Shes always complaining about how im just like my dad, about how im always so negative, and that i only want to do things my way. Thats the exact description of my mother. No matter how positive i am in any conversation we have, it always leads to how her life sucks because of me and my dad. Im the problem, and when i try to leave the conversation because i dont want to escalate it, she says “you are just like your dad, you cant even listen to what i have to say.” of course i go back because i want to be everything BUT my dad. I love my mum though, i want to stay with her, she just needs to be more careful with her words sometimes, reading this back it makes her sound like a terrible person when shes not.
I have to meet with ms cotton really really soon and i really want to act like i forgot but i really need to do this. I love ms cotton, she makes all my problems seem do-able, but then again she barely knows anything about what i go through. I dont want our sessions to end, but regardless i always come out feeling exactly the way someone should after getting support. I feel relieved, motivated, i feel happy. It unfortunately never lasts though, something happens and another problem arises, adding onto my towering pile of problems. I get overwhelmed and unmotivated, to the point where when i get home i am too exhausted to even try and get caught up so i just sit on the couch and watch pezzy play horror games because it gives me a false sense of happiness. I like to call it temporary happiness, temporary happiness has side effects that almost always leaves me feeling more s** than before. I know this but i do it anyways because temporary happiness is something. Its some kind of happiness, i feel like thats all the happiness i get sometimes.
(to be continued... maybe>...?)
OCTOBER 22TH
I am currently in the auditorium doing college stuff, well im not going to be doing college stuff the whole time, part of the time im going to be catching up on hw. I'm sitting w/ jack which isnt helping since hes already got college figured out and im sitting here thinking of using this time to make sure i dont fail highschool lmao im hilarious.
Ive been in here for 3 hours and ive basically gotten nothing done. .ive been watching pezzy speedrun manifold gardens and watch nukes for the past 2 of those 3 hours, the other hour ive been going in circles with my college work.
(I'll continue this later)
why the *** did he have to say hi to me what the *** was he thinking, I specifically asked him to NOT TALK TO ME ANYMORE!!! WHAT THE ***???? now I feel like ***, he does this to mock me, he wants to make me feel like absolute ***. *** *** *** *** *** *** *** fuckf *** *** *** *** I HATE HIM I HATE HIM
sorry this is late D:
OCTOBER 23RD
Yesterday i practiced part of the solo section of brazil: ceremony, song, and samba and it was really frustrating but i feel proud of myself for like- the first time in a long time. Im still really really behind but i think my motivation rut is slowly coming undone.
I emailed my digital imaging and game design teachers about my lack of motivation:
https://ibb.co/wCdMYk8
They both responded as i expected them to, i felt instant relief. I get extra time on everything. Im scared for spanish, english, and symphonic band though. Also math. Speaking of symphonic band, evne though i practiced for once im still screwed.
Ok so a lot has happened. Right now i am in the library afterschool and the timing of my re-evaluation for my ADHD couldnt have happened at a better time. At the start of the evaluation i took a “test” of 100 questions just the usual how often in the past 4 weeks have you done this… type questions like “stay on task” “ask for help” that kinda stuff. Afterwards he asked me stuff about band. Then he asked how my senior year was treating me, i explained how i struggle with my studies as is given that theres stress of socializing, and academics and now college. He made me feel so much better about college. He said that i should be really proud of myself for learning how to reach out even in tough situations regarding my mental health. Im so happy right now
OCTOBER 30TH
Ive skipped 4th period everyday this week im so doomed. If my mum finds out she will definitely kick me out. Im getting back into my avoidance habits this sucks, i hate myself, why am i like this. I need to go to 4th period but i feel like i- i just cant. I cant do school, i wish i could take a break, im burnt out already. Theres no coming back from this im way too behind. I just want time to stop, ive made so many promises to my teachers, my parents, and even myself i cant even do things for myself anymore. This *** sucks, i cant even keep up with a damn journal. I have gotten so much support from my teachers about my situation so they give me more time and i am grateful for that but i dont have the motivation to use that time to do the thingsthey want me to. My mum is getting meaner and meaner, i love her so much but yet i say stuff to her that i dont mean and she hates me, everyone hates me, everyone should hate me im a terrible terrible person.
Im addicted to 7 cups again, but its a mental health website, does that make it any better? I dont know anymore because it is getting in the way of my studies but it just makes me feel so much better idk what to do anymore.
I cant do this anymore, i cant keep living like this (stays living like it) i literally feel like a fraud
Im going to 4th period tomorrow, no matter what. Im going to do it, i hope i can do it. I hate this so much. I really want to skip 6th period, why are avoidence habits so hard to kick. It literally feels impossible. Im scared of asking for help, so pathetic. I thought i got over that fear but its back. Its always been there actually, ive been asking for help but i dont use the help that's given to me, such a fraud.
Hi ms cotton i wrote some things about you in this journal, if you want me to remove them pls let me know.
Reading back on this journal im realizing how sad i am, im never happy and when i am its temporary happiness. Im just so sick of being sad. I hate myself but i do nothing to change. Or im trying to change but its useless, im a failure just like my dad, my mum is right.
I am so behind in all my classes its not even funny, it will take weeks to catch back up and thats if i dont have any classes and nothing else to worry about. I am so screwed for my IEP meeting on friday, i need to email literally ALL my teachers about how i am still unmotivated. Ive sent my english and spanish teachers before the one i sent on october 23rd and they didnt say anything specific about deadlines but it was implied that i should be getting things done and turning them in. i basically never turned anything in. ***! *** *** *** ***! Im so screwed i cant just email them for the second time already. What the *** am i supposed to tell my game design teacher?? What the *** was thinking. Im so stupid, im so lazy i cant even remember the last time i actually sat down and finished my homework. What am i even supposed to tell my band director, “unmotivated? Well you gotta motivate yourself molly!” im going to start crying no doubt. If any of my teachers confront me im going to start crying. Just thinking about it is making me want to scream. I want to scream thats all i ever want to do. I want to scream at spiro to *** off, just seeing him makes me want to rip my hair out. And the fact that he had the nerve to talk to me after i basically told him to *** off (in the nicest way possible of course), like hello???? I asked you to never talk to me again, yet you do. You could of just ignored me, whyd you go out of your way to, very loudly, say hi to me AND use my last name. Hes making it really tempting to just out him as being transphobic to the whole school (i never will though) just thinking about him is painful. Ofc its less painful knowing that hes transphobic in a way bc it makes me feel less bad about leading him on (on accident).
Its 8 pm, i basically just got home. Iim doomed, i have 45 min to be in bed.
OCTOBER 31ST
Im stuck, im stuck everything will be fine
I wish life had a restart button
I technically skipped 4th period again today, although i wouldnt consider it skipping because i had a panic attack and stayed in the wellness center. I dont think i would consider not going to 4th period this week at all as “skipping” well that is essentially what i am doing but its different. I think.. When teachers think of skipping classes, I think the most common assumption is that they just didnt come to class bc they didnt want to, they wanted a longer lunch period or they dont have an assignment done and they want to avoid the consequences. I mean im not saying that i dont deserve the consequences, neither am i validating skipping class in any way but i have different reasons for skipping class. Some of these reasons make me feel almost as if i have to skip. The feeling some situations give me is so overwhelming to the point where i quite literally cant handle it. I will admit that it is my fault when i choose (even though sometimes it doesnt feel like i have a choice) not to do assignments but the things that follow in consequence, the feelings and actions that follow feel as if they are out of my control. Instead of the “what if” feeling, i get a more controlling voice in my head. I basically tell myself that bad things will happen. They will happen, not they might happen. (not being continued but is unfinished)