I want to be minimal and low-key, yet at the same time I'd rather be as big as a skyscraper than the size of a can of diet coke

sometimes, especially when Im stoned af, I realise (with a sense of dread and a very mild feeling of impending doom) all the irreversible damage I'm doing to my body by smoking cigarettes and everything

sometimes, however, I feel like becoming addicted to harder drugs, I feel like [censored, but as a euphemism: cessation of DNA] [[lines on flesh], because I'd rather not exist at all than experience the misery that is life.

but if the afterlife exists or not, that's a massive factor. I could try researching arguments for and against god(s)'s existence all I want but I will never form a solid conclusion, and to make it even more problematic the more theistic I become the more hate I'll get in an increasingly nihilistic society.