self-esteem

i flip through my math textbook, vectors and sigmas and antiderivatives swimming across the page. they grow blurry, and when a splash of water hits the page i realize that it's my tears. around me, i try to ignore the ink and graphite marking the pages around me, because everyone gets this and i just don't. what am i doing here? why am i here? why am i so stupid that i can't wrap my brain around this? i thought i was smart, or at the very least good at math; how could i be so wrong? i cough. am i getting sick again? everything feels so overwhelming, and a tightness seizes my chest. i step outside, ignoring the substitute's "get back in here, you maverick!" and stumble to the bathroom. as i lock the stall door i wonder if i'll have another panic attack, but no, it's not that. instead, i cry.

(open to anyone who can relate)