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alittlewanderer
4,544 M Seeking Light 6
PathStep 205 Compassion hearts60 Forum posts23 Forum upvotes21 Current upvotes21 Age GroupAdult Last activeNovember, 2021 Member sinceAugust 1, 2019
Recent forum posts
guilt (please tell me i'm not alone)
Eating Disorder Support / by alittlewanderer
Last post
 January 31st, 2020
...See more three numbers rule my life, and i despise it. i wish there were only two. they have been ticking upwards recently, and yet i can't resist the urge to eat, to eat and eat more like a monster, a slob shoveling calorie after calorie into her mouth without any willpower. ...when i describe myself like that it sounds like a monster. i hate myself, and at times i catch myself wishing that i could sew my mouth shut with a single thread so i would never have to open my massive mouth again. i wish i could cut off all the parts of me i don't like and reassemble myself into something pretty, something...smaller...
food
Eating Disorder Support / by alittlewanderer
Last post
 October 1st, 2019
...See more i am a pendulum that swings between two extremes. i either eat far too little or far too much. a week ago, i sustained myself on half a banana a day, finding some sick pride in my lightheadedness, in my empty stomach. just yesterday, i ate two bags of chips and a packet of cookies in addition to a three normal meals, and i feel terrible. food is supposed to be something that helps me live, not something that's killing me. i despise myself, and fight the urge to take a knife to my fatty flesh and cut it all off. i can't do that, though. instead i'll crawl back to the scale like the monster i am and cry when i see the numbers ticking upward. maybe i'll just skip lunch again tomorrow. it's not like i want people to see me eat, anyways.
self-esteem
Journals & Diaries / by alittlewanderer
Last post
 September 26th, 2019
...See more i flip through my math textbook, vectors and sigmas and antiderivatives swimming across the page. they grow blurry, and when a splash of water hits the page i realize that it's my tears. around me, i try to ignore the ink and graphite marking the pages around me, because everyone gets this and i just don't. what am i doing here? why am i here? why am i so stupid that i can't wrap my brain around this? i thought i was smart, or at the very least good at math; how could i be so wrong? i cough. am i getting sick again? everything feels so overwhelming, and a tightness seizes my chest. i step outside, ignoring the substitute's "get back in here, you maverick!" and stumble to the bathroom. as i lock the stall door i wonder if i'll have another panic attack, but no, it's not that. instead, i cry. (open to anyone who can relate)
anxiety
Journals & Diaries / by alittlewanderer
Last post
 September 21st, 2019
...See more i put on my headphones and crank up the volume, music blasting so loudly it makes my ears ache, loud enough to seep into the darker corners of my mind and distract myself from the racing thoughts in my head. but it doesn't work for long. my ears go numb and the thoughts grow loud to match the blaring music, and suddenly i'm back where i started. it's a little harder to breathe, and then a lot harder, and then i can't think, can't hear, can't do anything because i can't breathe i can't breathe i can't breathe. my heart aches and am i dying? do i need to go to the hospital? there's nothing i can do, so i let my pillow grow damp with tears and let the music blast even louder, as if that can distract me from reality. anyone relate? please tell me i'm not alone in this
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